Thanks to Sirius Satellite Radio, Howard Stern is now available all over the US. The genius with the tiny schween gets up very early every day to torment himself and others, for your entertainment. People living most other countres, or finding themselves with no need for anything radio-related except news and weather together every 3 minutes, don't know and don't care. And the rest are forced to endure something slightly worse. It is the difference between the fruit you get when you buy it at a farm versus the fruit you find in a bottle of Hi-C.

All funny, non-political DJs are basically shitty, watered down versions of King Howie, and you should always try, if at all possible, to go directly to the source. The problem is that DJs, for the most part, are people too ugly (Don Imus, Larry "Marry Me" King) or with too many facial ticks (Tom Snyder) to be survive in any other medium, though lately, these standards have been ignored. The rest are a cow-bell clanging, slide whistle playing bunch of ugly, self-loathing, semi-retarded prank phone callers. They are not getting laid, but they are getting discounts on their tires from the show's sponsors. Filling hours on the radio is a chore, and there has to be a better method for getting rich and famous. So they find some way to suck money out of their listeners with cheap tapes or 'wacky' T-shirts. And then, when they get really desperate, they put up web pages to hawk their cheap garbage like some white trash garage sale. Here are some of the finest the nation's airwaves have to offer their online friends.

The Mark and Brain Home Page
Mark Thompson and Brian Phelps, taking their cue from that other long-maned closeted duo Siegfried and Roy, offer little in the way of originality. Stealing most of their material from others is not their only forte, they were also the stars of the incredibly (and thankfully) short-lived NBC series "The Adventures of Mark & Brian." Now forced back into their go-nowhere radio gig in Los Angeles (and syndicated in a few other markets, as well as in Japan (!?!?)) Their biggest claim to fame is an Emmy the duo won for hosting a tribute to Andy Griffith (he isn't dead yet, is he?), though it isn't clear what the category or the competition were like. Their internet bio goes to great pains to name drop, but when a band is out promoting a new record, they have to talk to 'wacky' DJs as part of promotion, so Mark & Brian shouldn't break their arms patting each other on the rump (or back, as the position may have it).

Don Imus Show
Craggy, collapsing 12-stepper Imus has made a name for himself by making an ass of himself. In his early days, his competition consisted mainly of 70's music (we all remember how bad that was, don't we?) and people reading from outdated books. Sure, his 'wacky' reverend character took easy shots at TV preachers, but even that gets old after a while. And while his bits may be dated, the man himself seems in dire need of retirement. If it wasn't for his lung collapsing a few years back, he might have disappeared forever. Instead, Don Imus reinvented himself as a political kingmaker, offering a free forum to anyone willing to sit in the same room as him. And just when it seemed the fossil might make a go at a legitimate comeback, he went to visit the Clintons at a Correspondent's dinner and offered the most unfunny, incoherent, rambling speech ever witnessed by the Media (outside of Ross Perot's infomercials). This link is to his official bio, which is painful, yet still funnier than the man himself.

Rush Limbaugh Online
For people who find it difficult to analyze the news or anyone who thinks that USA Today should just "cut to the chase," Rush Limbaugh may have all the opinions you need, completely fact-free! For some reason, Mr. Family Values neglects to mention that he is on wife #3 (or is that #4?), or that he has no children to speak of. True, he was born in Missouri, and is a radio "personality," but the rest of this site offers the kind of simple-minded knee-jerk conservatism rarely seen outside of militia meetings or the Republic of Texas. The highlight of the tour is a collection of racist, homophobic and just plain hateful bumper stickers that most of his fans are too cowardly to actually put on their cars. Having said that, I did actually find one that was funny, "Ax Me About Ebonics."

Otherwise it's a bunch of really annoying, self-congratulatory yahoos waxing nostalgic about the good old days when gays were in the closet, blacks were in the back of the bus, women were in the kitchen and every white man had a drinking problem and a couple of guns. I wish I could go back in time and kill your ancestors, you fucks. Here you can find Rush's well-researched and thoughtful opinions on a whole range of topics, from "Political Correctness (against it!)" to "Clinton (against him, too!)" to "The Ozone (there is no problem, there is actually more ozone now than a few years ago, thanks to a cut in the capital gains tax!)." Also, if you can't get enough of pumpkinhead's bloated face, he sells all kinds of crap featuring his bloated mug, on ties, cups and a host of other crap. The scariest part is this little graphic where Rush Limbaugh suddenly materializes over his logo. Damn, I get goosebumps just remembering it. If you want, you can even subscribe to the "Limbaugh Letter" just in case you are one of his fans who is thinking about learning to read. The whole site is basically shilling for the Republican Party.

Mr. Manly's Guide to Manliness
Colom Keating (aka Mr. Manly) is an actor/writer and radio personality who has dedicated his life to the pursuit of the manly arts. He is syndicated, so if he isn't playing in your town, call your local radio station and demand Mr. Manly. It is difficult to discern exactly what his point is, but a few things are clear. Mr. Manly has big plans, and if you act now, you can be a part of it all. He has two books, which are completely sold out, and a new CD of his "best" material, with plans afoot to reprint his books. And, to give everyone a reason to live, he is trying to develop the character into another one of those "comedian in real-life situations" sitcoms. Watch out, Tim Allen, Mr. Manly is going to mop the floor with your skinny ass!

Welcome to the Online World of OZONE
Jonathan Scot began his illustrious radio career as the manager of the Happy Steak restaurant, according to his online "resume." From there he went on to beauty school and then to his first actual radio station. He changed with the times, doing on-air impressions of Loverboy and ZZ Top, until he became known as the "Rich Little of rock n' roll." He married and then divorced, and then, he came up with a brilliant idea. The Bathroom Jourinal (get it? Urinal? HA!) soon appeared in 70 restaurants, night clubs and service stations (probably hand delivered by Mr. Scot himself). After that hit the wall, he bounced from low-rent radio station to the next. The only name he sees fit to drop as a 'hipster' reference is Eric 'Mancow' Muller, a fat, goateed loser who is currently whipping radio listeners (and men incarcerated in Joliet) into a frenzy in Chicago. To make an incredibly long, boring, pointless story short, Jonathan Scot lost every job worth having, and is now known as Jonny Ozone, living on the tiny island of Guam trying to sell his show to other markets. For any kids considering a career in radio, let this be a lesson to you. Not every DJ gets girls, goes to concerts for free and is loved by millions. Most of them ended up eking out a pathetic existence in some dirtwater burg praying that their masters don't change the format to country and send them to unemployment.