A paper zine for people who hate people.

A Futile Attempt to Bring You Around to My Way of Thinking


I’m aware of how I’m being perceived by my audience, sometimes. I realize that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and there is nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree. The fact that I take the stance that I’m better, smarter, funnier and more interesting than you is not really based on any actual belief that I have. I mean, I know that I’m smarter than 99% of the population, but that doesn’t mean that you, as a reader, have to be dumb. If you are smart and you totally get what I’m saying and are connecting with me right this second in a real and vital way, that’s scary. Because I’m just some guy that you’ll never meet that you know too much about.

If I kept telling you over and over again that I was weak and stupid and couldn’t accomplish anything, why would you bother reading what I have to say? The only thing you can learn from a loser is how to be a loser. Do you want to be a loser? Me neither, man. I know for a fact that I’m not a fucking loser. And neither are you, because you’re still right here with me. We’re going places, so I hope you’re packin’ heat!

If anything I’ve written is ever characterized as “Saitzian” I’ll probably be annoyed. Even if something I’ve written could be easily identified as “my style” I don’t think any one article can represent me nor can I personally represent everything I’ve written because truth is relative and time-sensitive. The way I felt yesterday may no longer be true and may never be true again, but it was true, to me, at least once. Wow. I’m getting pretentious. Sorry. Anyway, here’s my point. Niccolò Machiavelli was a writer and philosopher who produced the bulk of his work in the fifteenth century. The Prince, one of his most famous and enduring works, is a set of guidelines for budding princes who want to be successful. Not surprisingly, my pal Niccolò knows the dilly-yo. Let me quote him, since it’s public domain, “For it may be said of men in general that they are ungrateful, voluble, dissemblers, anxious to avoid danger and covetous of gain; as long as you benefit them, they are entirely yours.” Wow! That sounds like me! Oh, wait. He also said that it was better to be feared than loved. He wasn’t saying that people should be like this. He wasn’t meaning that humans are morally correct to behave this way. He said, if you want to remain in power, make sure that all of your enemies and subjects are too fucking scared to try anything. Back in Machiavelli’s day, families spent decades fucking each other in and out of power. I’m even willing to venture that The Prince isn’t meant as serious advice but as a veiled attack on cruel and remote leaders. They’d think it was a primer and he’d actually be indicting them for their misdeeds.

If there is anyone out there who knows where I’m going with this, I think you owe me a letter because I am writing this to meet people like you. Machiavelli was an author. He was a smart man. But see, everyone says that someone is “Machiavellian” if they’re being assholes or being ruthless. If they think “the end justifies the means” or that using fear as a method of control is cool, they’re called “Machiavellian.” But that’s really fucked up. They might be “Princean” but Machiavelli, the man, was speaking hypothetically against the thing his name is now associated with, namely, ruthlessness. It seems incredibly ironic and cruel that this genius now has his name associated with something that he spent his most fertile years railing against. Let’s all do the poor man a favor and stop using his name in vain, okay? I mean, if one day people say shit like, “Kathie Lee Gifford was Saitzian when she...,” I’ll fucking scream. While we’re talking about literature, the name of the doctor is Frankenstein, the green guy is his monster.

The suffix “phobe” is Latin and means “fear of.” A panophobe is afraid of everything, a luposlipophobe is afraid of being chased around a table in socks on a freshly waxed floor by a pack of timber wolves, at least to hear Gary Larson tell it. But a homophobe should mean “afraid of things like them.” Homo = same and phobe = fear. In common usage, the word has been perverted to mean that a person doesn’t like gays. I have a simple solution. I’ve chosen the perfect word that more accurately describes any person, irrespective of gender, age or nationality who doesn’t like gay people: “asshole.” I’m also sick of people who say, on a scale of 1 to 10, that something is a 14. If you give a scale, keep all of the fucking numbers within the scale! Also, it’s mathematically impossible for anyone to give more than 100%, so stop saying it!
The junkie once worked in the GM showroom in midtown Manhattan, right next door to the famous toy store from the movie Big, FAO Schwarz. We used to hang out with the employees and their biggest gripe was that no one pronounces the name of the store properly. FAO Schwarz. Do you see a “t” in it? No, it is Schwarz. Rhymes with wars. Also, the word orangutan does not have a “g” at the end, so don’t say it like it does. Finally, the drink “espresso” is not spelled or pronounced as if it had an “x” in it, okay?

To all my dear, sweet, loyal friends out in the western United States, please do not refer to my home as “back east.” There is nothing more insulting than you lumping NYC in with the rest of the sludge along the East Coast. Everyone is from a specific place. There is nowhere else on Earth like NYC and I resent being forced into a group photograph, when without my city, you’d have nothing worthwhile to refer to. When people from Portland, Oregon tell me where they’re from, I don’t say, “So, you’re from out west, huh?” San Francisco is different from LA. Palm Springs is different from Seattle. And New York City is the capital of the fucking world, not “back east.”

You know, I don’t think I convinced anyone of anything. Well, at least I tried, right?