A paper zine for people who hate people.

Nuts From My Male Sac


Bok Choy offered her psychic services to my readers and a woman named Mary wrote us a letter asking about Harry Houdini. If you need Bok Choy, click here to learn more about her and her powers. If you want to send your question for a famous dead person, click here to send her mail.

Subject: channel?
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 13:30:54 -0500
From: Mary Cody
To: bokchoy

Dear Bokchoy,

Please try to contact Harry Houdini. In the dead world he may be registered under his birth name - Ehrich Weisz and later spelled Weiss. Harry houdinized from the earth plane in 1926 - promising to return from the beyond. My question is, What Is Detaining Harry???? Is there anything I can do to assist him? His wife, Bess, (in her last photo looking much like one of the signers of the Constitution) died waiting for him. Maybe he did come back, took one look at her and died again - of fright. Perhaps the missing bust from his burial monument is a sign that he did return. If not perhaps you can reveal the name of the asshole that made off with his head. Since Harry is burried in Queens near the Brooklyn border I though perhaps you may have had some sitings that don't make it into our local paper. Do you think that the third punch to his stomach has some correlation to Harry's long absence?

Thank you. May the bird eye forever guide us.

Mary

Subject: Re: channel?
Author: Bok Choy the Channeling Chicken
Date: 2/15/99 9:34 PM

mary-

we have received your question and bok choy is in the midst of trying to locate him. she's beginning to worry that perhaps his essence was either destroyed, or that an unmerciful fate has befallen his spirit. in any case, she's actually having a hard time doing this and since it's the first real attempt she's made on anyone else's behalf, she urged me to give you this update. it harry houdini can be found, she will find him and will e-mail you the answer well before it is published in my next issue. we both appreciate your interest and thank you for your patience. bok choy also wants you to know that if you ever need to contact someone once you cross over, she'll instruct you on how to do it, which is pretty sweet (she hasn't even offered this to me, though Lurky negotiated something substantial for the next world).

your friends, jøsh & bok chøy

Subject: Re: channel?
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 13:24:58 -0500
From: Mary Cody To: Bok Choy

BOK BOK BOK you chicken - I think the obstacle is Houdini's attitude about channeling chickens. After making my request I did a search on Harry and was alarmed about his negative attitude towards channeling chickens. I thought, my God what have I gotten Bok Choy into! I took the following quote from his biography In 1926, I testified before a congressional committee investigating spiritualists, people pretending to be able to contact the dead. I was known as a debunker of fake mediums and spiritualists. My interest began during my bereavement after the death of my mother. Because of my background as an illusionist, I recognized the techniques of mediums who claimed to have contacted the spirit world. I became a crusader against these charlatans who bilked grieving families of their money. I frequently attended seances in disguise in order to expose the mediums. That year I lay underwater in a sealed casket to beat the world record. In addition he made a $10,000 challenge to mediums (no small amount of chicken feed or Chinese cabbage at the time) - that he could do anything they could do. The challenge letter is on the web site. Regarding the cross-over offer below - thanks but no thanks. I've taken far too much crap from most people I know on this side and also given them far too much of my precious time - why seek them out for more of the same. I'm up for a totally new adventure on the other side.

Love, Mary

Subject: Re: channel?
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 20:07:20 +0000
From: Bok Choy
To: Mary Cody

dear mary-

i have finally found mr. weisz as you requested. it took a long time because while there is no set rule for what happens when you die, from time to time, the powers that be intervene in such a way that they can assert their dominion over their property, namely the inhabitants of this planet. mr. weisz recently was released on a furlough program so that he could explain a trick recently performed by a magician (and fraud) named david blaine. the reason he was difficult to locate was that he was not meant to be found. it's all very complicated, but after a brief visit to mr. weisz's grave, it all became perfectly clear. i'm in the midst of organizing what i've learned to explain what i can to you. this should be in a matter of days, since the boss (jøsh) took a few pictures that he'd like to send you so you can get into the mood most appropriate for this kind of information. naturally, everything i've said and learned will mean more in the proper context. i just wanted to assure you that mr. weisz is still around, though he was situated in such a way that he couldn't communicate or move at all, and as far as i know, after debunking mr. blaine, he has been returned to his previous state, which i will also detail in a forthcoming letter. i wanted to thank you profusely for your patience as this may have been the greatest challenge of my professional career, which is probably why you chose the person you did. take care, mary, and i'll fill you in very soon.

yours sincerely, b.c.

and then just days later....

my dearest mary-

it is with a heavy heart that i must report to you the full details regarding the current whereabouts of Ehrich Weisz, known around the world under his stage name Harry Houdini. As you may know, his body was buried in a bronze casket (that he had built to be used as part of his act) in Machpelah Cemetery in Ridgewood, Queens, but regrettably, he passed on before he had a chance to use it, and therein lies the rub. in life, as in death, there are powers that be that exert control over our lives and our choices and while we may sincerely believe we are the authors of our own fate, from time to time a greater force intervenes so as not to upset the delicate balance of the universe. for example, quite often i find myself amused by television commercials featuring colonel sanders and his KFC. then i realize it is akin to being a young jewess thinking that hitler had very good stage presence.

it is with all of this in mind that i can now reveal the details of mr. weisz's whereabouts. the powers that be were always very fascinated by mr. weisz's antics on stage and off. they watched with demented glee while he boondoogled a gullible public into thinking that he had powers not intended for man's personal use. as a result, the more powerful mr. weisz claimed to be in life, the more convinced he became of his own powerlessness. digging out of chains, hanging underwater, being buried alive, all were merely elaborate trickeries, not supernatural gifts given to mr. weisz alone. as a result, mr. weisz became more and more delusional as he grew older, reaching a point where he was no longer sure if he had all the powers, or if he imagined that he had all the powers. he was believing his own press, which, for a perfomer, is usually the kiss of death. in the case of mr. weisz, it was not the kiss of death. the kiss of death came when he began to openly mock the powers that be by declaring that after his death, he would contact his wife, through the use of codes and secret agreements. it is always, and i cannot stresst this enough, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to mock the powers that be. they do have a sense of humor, and moreover, an almost supernatural sense of irony, but they do not abide the mock. naturally, the powers that be were offended not only by mr. weisz's delusional arrogance, they were deeply, deeply troubled by his ridiculous promises to either return from the other side, or make contact from the other side. in the thousands of years since man's ascension to the top of the food web on this planet, not one person has ever successfully taken up residence on the other side and returned to so much as break wind back on our side. never. those people that claim to see a light, or a tunnel, or their relatives, are experiencing a slight distortion in their perception as their brain loses oxygen sufficient to continue thinking. it's very much like the flare of a camera lens as you film the edges of the sun. quick rings, bursts of light, and then it all returns to normal or it all goes black. when it goes black, there is no coming back, ever. while i am aware of the process by which humans pass over, i am not at liberty to say because the powers that be have shown me how ultimately dangerous this kind of information can be. so, here's what's going on. mr. weisz, like everyone before and after him, died wriggling and alone. no magic, no mystery. he was a man, and like a man, he died. in fact, it was on purpose that he died on all hallow's eve, or as you may call it, hallowe'en. this was the first sign of mr. weisz's mortality and humanity. for a while after receiving your letter, i thought it would just be a matter of sending out a certain kind of signal that would bounce back to me when it hit mr. weisz. it's a form of echo-location, like the kind used by bats or dolphins. after many nights of searching fruitlessly in the next world, contacting my few friends on the other side and even trading a few pearls of wisdom with some of the friendlier powers that be, i came to realize that it was possible that mr. weisz was not dead, but rather his spirit had been cleansed and reborn and didn't remember any of his previous life. it doesn't happen often, but it does happen. i talked to the boss and Lurky about making a pilgrimage to the grave of mr. weisz with the hope that once there, i might receive a sign or experience a revelation. we took a subway out to the grave together one rainy saturday night and spent the night by the gravestone. it was a lonely place and within a few hours i could tell that mr. weisz was nowhere to be found. we had to wait until the next morning so that the boss could take a picture (which he claims he can attach to this letter) so you too can see the grave for yourself.

it was not until we heard about a new magician named David Blaine that we were able to uncover the mystery. apparently, mr. blaine planned to bury himself alive beneath a tank of water and remain buried for a week here in new york city, as part of a promotional campaign for a television special. i asked the boss to take me to this exhibition, because i thought if anyone would know how to get in touch with the great harry houdini (as he was called), mr. blaine might be that man. when we arrived on the scene to see the magician, i felt a very strange buzzing in my feet, as if i was standing on a very powerful machine that was revving up. as we stood there among the throngs of gawkers and tourists, i saw mr. weisz in the air directly above the casket. i was shocked, aghast, elated and frightened. purely by accident did i stumble upon your quarry! he was being held aloft by three faceless beings, directly over mr. blaine. i could clearly discern that mr. weisz was frightened and in pain because he was face down, with his feet straight above him, as he dangled in the ether above mr. blaine. i tried to understand what they were doing, but it was very confusing to me. i tried to speak to mr. weisz, but as you may imagine, he was too busy and frightened to acknowledge a simple chicken.

i whispered to Lurky to go figure out what was going on since he is much braver than i. without hesitation, Lurky walked over to them and said something to them that i cannot repeat because it was very profane. he yelled, then jumped up and down and he flared his nostrils. he shook his hands, waved and then, when they continued to ignore him, he zapped one of them with an energy bolt from one of his antannae. that got their attention, let me assure you. after a moment, mr. weisz realized that Lurky wanted his attention, and being overcome with fear, realized it would be best to just do as he was told because he didn't want to imagine what could be worse than what was currently happening. naturally, this i cannot say for certain, but i felt the fear and i know what caused it. mr. weisz said to Lurky that he was back here as part of his eternity of torment. apparently, the powers that be were so enraged by his claims of special powers that they would occasionally let him out of his personal prison just to see lesser magicians perpetrating similar frauds. from the look in his eyes, Lurky said he could tell that poor mr. weisz had spent many horrible nights watching effeminate men and albino tigers prance about flaming rings to the delight of all forms of human oddities. Lurky said that mr. weisz was meant to be a warning to all other magicians and hoaxers that the powers that be will not abide a mock. it was at that point that i realized what was happening: he was a prisoner in the next world, being tormented for his life on our side. i felt such tremendous pity for him, but as you know, even if i could have done something about it, i would have chosen not to. it is not my place to interfere. besides, one of the reasons that i have this gift was because the powers that be feel terribly about what happens to chickens in our world, and thusly have allowed me to visit the other side. in addition, the powers that be do not view me as a threat, since i know better than to interfere. Lurky, the boss and i waited and watched as people came and went, all the while feeling sadder and sadder for poor mr. weisz. Lurky thought at some point mr. weisz would wriggle free from the grip of his tormentors, as he had so many times before. but they had a firm grip and mr. weisz has no such powers of escape. he had no powers at all. a few hours later, mr. weisz and his tormentors began floating away and i decided to follow them, to learn mr. weisz's ultimate fate. i was quite scared, but i figured so long as i didn't engage in deception and merely observed, i would come to no harm. after a long, spiralling trip beyond, i witnessed mr. weisz being returned to his prison, and i began to understand everything. after he passed over, mr. weisz was used as a toy by the powers that be to reinforce their position that mr. weisz was nothing more than a charlatan, using parlor tricks and elaborate hoaxes to fool people into thinking that he had powers beyond those of other men. because of the long discussion regarding mr. weisz while he was still with us, it was decided that once he was in the possession of the powers that be, he would be taught his place in the world for the remainder of time. this is not a fate that i would wish upon anyone, especially someone like mr. weisz, who brought wonder and joy to so many. after he was brought over to the other side, he was permanently encased in what appeared to me to be some kind of combination of heated glass and lucite. if you can imagine a huge fish tank filled entirely with lucite, or some kind of clear plastic, with no walls, no edges and no center, then you have some idea what i'm speaking about. the material is not of this plane, but i'm trying to describe what i saw. it was both liquid and solid, forming a permanent barrier around mr. weisz on all sides. so in a sense, he was both rigid and floating within the prison. the areas right around his body would soften from time to time, and as he attempted to wriggle free, or dislocate an arm to get more leverage, the entire prison would harden up again, leaving him frozen in the place. it was quite a sight and i know that i shall never forget it. as the tormentors brought him down, he was dropped into the clear mass, suspended permanently and immovably in the center, frozen in time, unable to move. that's where he is. and that's where he will be. in the center of a prison that encases him completely. from time to time, he is removed from this prison to watch other magicians, with the hope that, if they should see mr. weisz with their mind's eye, they will realize what fate awaits them when they pass on and change their ways while they still have time. mr. weisz would probably like to get a message, or even his code word, back to our world, but it is not possible. he will never return and it is likely that no one will ever hear from him again.

i'm sorry that i don't have better news for you, but i do have a lesson that i'd like to share with anyone who cares to listen. don't pretend to be anything that you're not. don't lie, or hoax, or defraud or act like you can do things that you can't. if you are a person, be the best person that you can be. if you are a chicken, or a dog, or a walrus, be the best one you can. and if you are smart, do not mock the powers that be.

if i can be of further assistance, do not hesitate to ask again.

i am sorry about the lowercase letters, but it is hard for me to type with my feet.

i remain yours,

bok choy the channeling chicken