Before I begin your tour, I feel morally obligated to share with you the rules of the road. Naturally, you’re welcome to do your own thing your own way. I’m looking out for your best interests because as a reader of Negative Capability, you’ve proven yourself wise beyond words and worth a flying fuck—so I want you to live. I need as many people in the world saying good things about this zine as possible. So, let me just say at this point in my guide that I would appreciate it very much if you could tell all your friends, family, co-workers and slaves about this zine and my web site at www.negcap.com so that perhaps I could become so popular that I wouldn’t have to ask for your help in the future.

These rules are designed with you in mind. I know how people are and I see tourists all the time. I’d love to share these rules with them myself, but I’m too busy reloading. Besides, most of them don’t even speak the fucking language. If someone asks me where some museum is in German or French, I immediately direct them to NYC’s garden of earthly delights, the Bronx.

1. As soon as you arrive, buy Time Out New York and read it.
2. Do not bring your fucking children. This city is made for adults. It’s full of really scary things and we are not going to sanitize it just so your family can feel safe. In fact, we’re not planning to do anything to help your mewling rodents enjoy it. If you bring your kids and then find they’re not welcome in a lot of places, good! I hope you’re happy. Get a goddamn sitter and leave your kids home. In fact, most kids who come with their tourist parents are kidnapped and end up as white slaves in the Middle East or as stars on the kiddie porn/snuff film circuit. So, if you want your kid raped and murdered, make sure you bring them along, okay?
3. Do not drive or rent a car if you’re staying in the city. If you bring your car, odds are it will get stolen, damaged, towed or dented. If you rent a car, you’ll get ripped off by the rental agency, you’ll go insane trying to park, you’ll get run off the road by crazed cab drivers and you’ll probably end up wishing you’d never been born. New York City, as a whole, hates cars, and to show you how much, it imposes confusing and ridiculous regulations, offers very few public places to park, and it charges every single person who parks at a private garage 18.25% NYC parking tax. So, most places will charge you about $8 per half hour to park, before any surcharges—and before the parking tax. The city has done everything it possibly can to discourage you from bringing a car. Take the hint. The city has really cheap, simple and efficient public transportation and more cabs than most other cities have cars. It’s safer, smarter and easier to not have a car, trust me.
4. Assume that every single surface, whether subway pole, cab seat, or dinner plate at Friday’s, is covered with a smoldering mix of feces, HIV, salmonella, Hepatitis A-L and the Ebola virus. Odds are, if you had it tested, you’d even find some shit that man has never seen before. I recently saw a story about how they scraped out some shit from a vent in the subway and it contained toxins that had never been previously identified. No kidding.
5. The streets, sidewalks, stairways and other areas are designed to help people move very quickly. Behave as if you’re a car and every path and sidewalk were a highway and you’ll realize that you need to either: a) keep moving so as not to impede the flow of traffic or b) move all the way to the side if you must stop. You wouldn’t think of stopping in the middle of a highway to consult your map, would you? Of course not! You’d quickly pull to the side, stop, and soak it in. If you keep this in mind, you’ll be fine. I can’t tell you how often I’m walking down the street and some dipshit with a laminated map stops dead in front of me for no apparent reason, as if the whole world was there to entertain him! In addition, here in NYC, we stay to the right if we’re not going to move, and leave the left lane free, so if you’re on an escalator and slow, stay to the right.
6. Assume that everyone you encounter is armed, crazy, HIV-positive and just out of jail. This will prevent you from engaging strangers in conversation, looking around in a confused way or attempting to confront someone who is shouting obscenities. This one rule cannot be stressed enough. You might very well think that a guy in a suit is a safe bet to ask for help, but he could be a coiled spring, waiting for some unsuspecting person to set in motion a chain of violence the likes of which have rarely been seen.
7. Whenever you are about to use public transportation, if there is even one person about to get off, stand to the side of the door until everyone has exited. This is very important: Then and only then should you get in the subway or on the bus. This is a matter of courtesy. Everything will move along quickly and easily if you let everyone off first.
8. If you must use a map, ask questions or take pictures, please be discreet. At every major tourist site there are dozens of thieves and pickpockets waiting to rip you off. When they see your camera dangling around your neck, your map in Japanese or your goddamn Statue of Liberty spiked foam hat, you’ve marked yourself as a target. I know you’re just so fucking excited that you’re actually standing outside the Empire State Building, but see, that building is actually an office building. I know it sounds crazy, but it was NOT built to run fat idiots up and down in express elevators all day long to see the view. In fact, you’ll notice that there are specific areas where you’ll be forced to stand in long lines, pay ridiculous amounts of money and even be encouraged to take pictures. But this all takes place out of the way of everyone else, who have WORK TO DO. As you walk around, you’ll notice that the place is teeming with office workers who have things to do and they don’t want you in their way. I worked across the street from the Empire State Building for two years and all day, every day, idiots would walk into the middle of the street to take a picture. Dude, save yourself some goddamn film and the hassle of lugging your camera. There are cheap postcards from every imaginable angle in every season, taken by a professional. I know that you can’t do better because you’re just some yahoo with a disposable camera. Buy some postcards (always go across the street or a block away—the further you get from a tourist trap, the cheaper the tchotchkes are) cut off the borders, take credit for the pictures and lie when you get home.
9. The fact that you are on vacation may get you preferential treatment at the Grand Canyon, the Space Needle or Branson, but no one in all of New York City gives a shit about your vacation. In fact, upon learning that you’re on vacation, most New Yorkers (myself included) will become filled with jealousy and rage and may very well kill you and rape your corpse, so watch it.