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Short Refractory Period
----THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED----
Our winners are Eric Lyden, John Endicott and Andrea Hope. The answers are now online in the NegCap #4 area. Thank you for your interest.
In the proud tradition of my Costa Rican forebears, I’d like to brag about my sexual prowess.
I’m not saying that my cock’s the biggest, the thickest or even the widest. But it’s certainly a nice even color, there are no giant blue throbbing veins, and the kind man who liberated me from my foreskin did a fantastic job. I would gladly run a picture of it because I’m in no way ashamed, but my grandmother has a subscription. What I want to tell you about is something my wife calls my “short refractory period.” I may not be the most boner-tastic man in the world, but this much I know: Most of the time, I can have a powerful orgasm and within a minute, sometimes it’s a matter of milliseconds, I can bonerfy again. It’s neat. My wife also wants you all to know that more often than not, a good strong boner will not be tamed by a mere orgasm. No, my friends, it can hold a towel long after my boys have been launched into oblivion. In fact, if you play your cards right—nope, sorry, it’s all for Juli. But, you’ll have this image in your head until the day you die. You’re quite welcome. I also want you to know that I can crack my dick, though not in a way that you can probably imagine.
I discovered this trick when I was in junior high and hormones were ravaging my fragile little mind. In order to cope with stray wood, I’d tuck it hard under my belt or try to point it in a less-conspicuous direction. I know you’re expecting a trivia quiz, but I’m on a roll, k? I was in class once with a boner that wouldn’t go down for half an hour, no matter what I did. I swear, I could’ve pounded Bob Vila into a marble slab with this boner. Out of a sense of desperation, I pushed down on lil’ Elvis, to let him know that sex was not on the menu for at least a few hours, and it made a slight “pop” sound, like when you crack a knuckle. Seconds later all the trapped blood drained right out and my boner melted like a chocolate bar in your back pocket, allowing me to return to playing my Coleco Electronic Quarterback game under my desk. It was a miracle. I never really discussed it with people until I was in my 20s, and then I mentioned it in a game of one-upmanship in my dorm. Needless to say, most people were shocked, disturbed, and impressed that I could make a noise with Mr. Boner.
Recently, I saw someone call Loveline on MTV and say that they, too, could pop a boner and then un-pop it. Dr. Drew suggested that it might not be such a good idea, but figured if it didn’t hurt and didn’t cause damage, it was no big deal. I was kinda depressed at first because I’d always meant to call in and ask that question. Then I was glad to know it wasn’t that bad. Then I wondered if anyone that had seen me do it had also seen this episode of Loveline and I hoped that maybe someone, somewhere, was thinking nice things about me. Does that explain anything? No? Sorry. Maybe this will help.
Here’s the new contest. The connection between the two contests is simple and might be obvious to some. The first contest was called, “Keeping It Hard for An Hour,” and now, right after answering the questions, I’m back with a contest even harder than the first, just like the second boner is often harder than the first (for me, anyway). It’s what they call “exhausting the metaphor,” speaking metaphorically, of course. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ing!
I’ve decided to take a slightly different approach for this contest. Last time I had two winners based on score and two chosen randomly. This time, I’ve decided that the person with the lowest score on the contest is going to get shot once in the stomach and will be forced to bleed to death for being such an insufferable idiot. Or maybe I should just be traditional and give prizes to the high scorers. Whatever.
Rules
The rules are going to be as simple and as fair as I can make them, taking into account that the two winners from last time will probably enter again. There will be only one grand prize, and I didn’t think it was fair to just give it to the highest scorer, so I’ve found a solution. The ten highest scorers will enter a final selection process and from that small group, one winner will be chosen at random by a representative from the world’s largest accounting firm, who also happens to be my wife. This means that you need to score high to get into that club, but it also means that even if you can’t beat Andrew and Howard, you still have a shot. If either of them wins this contest, I’ll exclude them from future contests and then promote them to management positions for a secret research project involving the harvesting of genius sperm to feed to your greedy mother. Mmmm. Spermy! I also wanted to point out that last time there were fewer than a dozen entries, meaning that almost half of those would have been eligible for the grand prize, just because there were so few entries. In addition, just like last time, two entries chosen at random from ALL ENTRIES will get some very cool consolation prizes, even if they get every single answer wrong. I’ve made one major list of prizes and all the prizes that are marked with a * are prizes that ALL winners will get. I hope that the possibility of consolation prizes motivates you if Mr. Dole couldn’t get you to rise to the challenge, so to speak.
Each question that you answer correctly will be worth one point, except where noted. If your answer is close, or very funny, you will earn half a point. I do this so that if you don’t want to find the answer and can think of something funny, go for the joke. It’s sometimes taxing to keep reading the same collection of answers over and over. Also, this time you do not have to answer every question, but please make sure to number your answers so I know that you skipped some.
Prizes
In keeping with my New York City theme, the prizes will be more than enough for anyone to enjoy a trip to my favorite city. All the prizes on the following list that are marked with a * are prizes that ALL winners will get. These prizes include: my NYC video* [which features the following programs: Wild Record Collection, a NYC public access show featuring dancing monkeys; a documentary about freaks and transgender types; the Sandy Kane Blew Comedy Show where a heinous old stripper sings song parodies and shows her overgrown bush while dancing with a vibrator she calls “Dick”; a public access show with hardcore Jews; a Staten Island teen trying to parallel park on city street from the Letterman show; Steve Irwin doing something wacky with wild animals; some dirty sex commercials; and The Robin Byrd Show where a dried up old stripper has other strippers get completely naked on regular TV]; a boombox; a cool panoramic camera that uses regular film and comes with two rolls of film, one B&W and one color; two airline-sized bottles of vodka; menus from Idlewild (a cool bar) and Empire Wok (my favorite Chinese restaurant in the world); some NYC Visitor’s Guides*; a flashlight/alarm clock combo; a bunch of copies of the best issues of Time Out New York from the past few years, including the excellent student guide; a Virgin Airlines kit that has toiletries and a sleep mask; a collection of NYC postcards*; the scripts for Private Parts and Law & Order; a new T-shirt from Yahoo! Autos; some cool zines you haven’t seen before*; a massive Bill Hicks compilation tape* you can find on page 41 of the print version and in the web version of the story; a current NYC map and a map from the 80s; a Zagat guide to NYC restaurants (by the way, it’s pronounced Zuh-gatt, according to the publishers); a hotel key, matches and a Slot Club card* from the NYNY Hotel in Las Vegas (where I was married); the room service menu from the MGM Grand in Vegas; cool books including Dan Savage’s The Kid; a photo album of pictures of the City, all taken by me, and autographed, if that means anything to you; and much more.
Questions
Nomenclature
1) What does CBGB stand for?
2) What is the name of Prof. John Frink’s proposed segment in “22 Short Films About Springfield” show?
3) What politician said, “The internet is a good way to get on the Net.”
4) What is Dr. Drew’s Last Name?
5) What is the full name of the first emperor of the United States?
6) What is Eric Cartman’s middle name?
7) Trey Parker and Matt Stone play in a band called DVDA. What does DVDA stand for?
8) What is the name of Penn Jilette’s band?
9) What is Jennifer Massoli’s stage name?
10) What is Björk’s last name?
11) What is the stage name of Stuart Goddard?
12) What’s the name of Zorak’s nephew that was devoured?
13) What is Jerome McElroy’s nickname?
14) What kind of animal is a heffalump?
I hate Dan Halligan, the stupid Punk. I love Howard Stern, the funny Douche.
15) The core group of the Howard Stern show is Howard, Robin, Fred, Jackie, Gary and Stuttering John. I will give you one point for each of their children and pets that you can name. As a small hint, there are six children, and more than eight pets that have been mentioned by name on the air.
16) What is the name of Fred Norris’ band?
17) What is the meaning of the tattoo of Robin Quivers’ breast? (This is worth 10 points, 5 for saying what it actually says, and 5 for saying what it means)
18) What Howard Stern original did Sugar Ray cover to get on the show and launch their career?
Potpourri for $1,000, Alex
19) According to Too Much Joy, why is it that otters never cry?
20) What dead person is Filter’s song “Hey Man, Nice Shot” about?
21) What singer recorded the song “Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year”?
22) How many people has Don King killed?
Too Pure Hardcore Obscure In-Store
23) According to Mike Myers, what real asshole is Dr. Evil supposed to be a parody of?
24) There is a Sugarcubes song called “Hot Meat” which is a country-western version of what song?
25) What Robyn Hitchcock song has R.E.M. covered on an official CD release?
26) According to Alec, which Baldwin brother has the biggest dick?
27) What one person has performed as two totally different characters in two different Tarzan films, BUT NEVER appeared on-screen in either?
28) What is the most printed four-word phrase in the English language?
29) What MTV comedy special featured Ben Stiller as a slick agent who had to talk Johnny Depp into feeding a fish to a seal whose teeth had been removed?
30) If you’re playing Tekken 3 in Team Battle Mode, and the computer selects your characters, which is the only character the computer will never select for you (assuming that ALL hidden characters are available)?
31) What 80’s band successfully sold commercials that played between songs on their record?
32) What funnyman is Anna Maria Louisa Italiano married to?
33) How many American flags are there on the moon?
Weird Connections
In this section, I need you to tell me the interesting and unusual connection between some very different people. It’s never anything as simple or mundane as a birthday or a college, and I doubt it’s going to be found by asking Jeeves on the internet
Six Degrees of Delicious Donuts
Using only the names of fictional characters on television shows who have appeared together ON THEIR SHOWS, please connect Tony Profaci from Law & Order to Homer Simpson. You must make the connection with three characters and two shows. You must get them all right to earn TWELVE points.
34) Donut-lover Tony Profaci was on the show Law & Order with ________ (fictional character) who was on ________ (show) with ________ (fictional character) who was on ________ (show) with ________ (fictional character) who was on the Simpsons with Homer Simpson.
35) The authors of Sein Language and the Catcher in the Rye
36) Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner
37) Natasha Henstridge, Pamela Anderson and Jason Priestly
38) Jimmy Carter and John Lennon
39) Bruce, Eddy and Tiger
40) The Stone Roses and the Boo Radleys
41) Bruce Lee, Richard Belzer and comedian Robert Schimmel
Because they’re so smart I’ve asked our winners to write their own questions specifically for this quiz. I figure if they’re smart enough to win, they’re smart enough to ask some good questions. Since I won’t count their answers to their questions, it gives them a slight handicap. I’m trying too hard to get you to enter, aren’t I? Well, winners next time will win oral sex from the model of their choice, honest injun.
Andrew Schaad’s Questions
42) Marc Sanders gave up designing vending machines to return to college. While earning an industrial design MA conferred jointly by Imperial College’s Engineering Department and the Royal College of Art, he took something everyone has owned and reinvented it. This thing could now be taken almost anywhere. Name his space age folding invention.
43) The late Daws Butler was the voice actor who injected personality into all of the following limited animation characters except:
a: Quick Draw McGraw / b: Bullwinkle J. Moose / c: Cap’n Crunch / d: Snagglepuss
H.D. Miller’s Questions
Who are the following non-musical groups of people:
44) The Tinkers
45) The Clampers
46) What do the following albums have in common: SOS by Abba, Live Evil by Black Sabbath, Aja by Steely Dan, and Aoxomoxoa by the Grateful Dead
47) Aside from being singers and female, what do the following people have in common: Dusty Springfield, Nancy Sinatra, Carly Simon, Tina Turner, Sheena Easton, Shirley Bassey and Sheryl Crow.
Finally, some philosophical thoughts
48) What the fuck is up with Bill Gates being such an ugly fucking asshole?
49) When you put a cold drink in a Thermos, it keeps it cold but when you put a hot drink in a Thermos, it keeps it hot. How do it know?
50) Who would you fuck, if you had absolutely no choice: your mother or your father?
Tie Breaker: How many CDs do I have? Just give me a number, in case I need to break a tie.
Good Luck!
If you want to see the answers, please click here.
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