A paper zine for people who hate people.

A Date with Al Goldstein - Bonus Track

My wife and her best friend had a very interesting conversation about Al Goldstein and Ron Jeremy after our encounter and luckily, one of them saved it. In my circle of friends, we all like to play a game where you have to answer the question: who would you fuck if you had no choice? I know a lot of literal people say, “Well I would just die and not fuck them,” and those people are more commonly called assholes or, in my house, ruiners! It usually goes something like this, "Who would you fuck if you no choice: your mother or your grandmother?” If someone says they couldn’t do either one, then say, “If you don’t fuck them, we’re going to let a bunch of bikers gang rape and murder them while you watch,” and suddenly look who is ready to play the game! My wife and I like to get specific and mix it up with questions like, “Who would you eat out until they climax, Rosie O’Donnell after a long bike ride or Bea Arthur, who hasn’t shaved her bush since the Carter Administration?” The point is that you have to choose one or the other and give a good reason, in this case, Bea is my go-to girl simply because she deserves an orgasm WAY more than Rosie.

There is also a popular variation on this game called F—-, Marry, Kill, where you are given a choice of three women and you have to fuck one, marry one and kill one, which makes you consider what qualities you really look for in a partner or a victim. In this case we’ll give three good ones instead of heinous ones, Carmen Elektra, Natalie Portman and Milla Jovovich. My answer is pretty easy: I’ve always wanted to fuck Milla Jovovich, but I think she’s insane, so I’ll just fuck her. Carmen Elektra is hot hot hot, but I don’t think I can follow Dennis Rodman’s magic stick and besides, she’s not really bright enough for me to marry, so I have to kill her (this is all just a joke, I have nothing against her and would probably choose to fuck her if she had arrived in a different trio). Natalie Portman is gorgeous and smart, so I would marry her. She’s also a nice Jewish girl from Long Island and I was always told that was the kind of woman I am supposed to marry, so Natalie, you win the grand prize. This offer good until Natalie turns 25.
My Wife
Did you tell them [your friends] the Al Goldstein story?

My Wife’s BFF
Yeah. I did. They were both amused. Traci said it didn’t surprise her that I would get hit on that way. She said that was my luck. I agreed.

My Wife
So you’re not going to let him [Al Goldstein] go down town?

BFF
No, you and T [at the time, my nickname was just “T” as in “token teabag” because I was the only guy around] are my cockblockers.

My Wife
I would if he was 20 years younger and 100 lbs lighter

BFF
How much would I have to pay you to let him [Al] go downtown?

My Wife
Y’know, he’s not the worst you could put in front of me, and I’m sure he’s good.

BFF
Ron Jeremy or Al Goldstein?

My Wife
Oh man. Doing what?

BFF
Eating downtown.

My Wife
Dining at the Y?
Oh that’s rough...
Al.

BFF
I agree.

My Wife
As for sex, I wouldn’t want Ron’s big thing, but at the same time, I wouldn’t want Al wheezing on me.

BFF
I would rather eat at the Y than be eaten by RJ [Ron Jeremy].

My Wife
Yeah, there’s something incredibly repulsive about that guy. I should save this IM for Josh, he’d be amused. [I am, thanks for saving it! - Jøsh]

BFF
Absolutely I couldn’t be with some nasty whore, though.

My Wife
Yeah it would have to be someone really clean, no porn stars.

BFF
Okay, so now you can tell my boyfriend he has some stiff competition.

My Wife
I think I’d rather let RJ do it [eat pussy] to me than do it myself, I can always close my eyes and pretend it’s someone else. There’s no pretending on the on the Goodship Tuna Boat.

BFF
Yeah. I don’t care what you tell me, those porn stars are not cleaner than I am.

My Wife
I agree.

BFF
Yeah. That RJ is so nasty. I find women more attractive. He is sick.

My Wife
Okay: Gary the retard or Ron Jeremy?

BFF
Gary the retard.

My Wife
I almost choked on my pineapple.
Beetlejuice or Ron Jeremy?

BFF
That RJ looks like someone blew him up with water. He really looks sick.
Oh shit... umm......RJ.

My Wife
Wow! I thought only I was repulsed that much by that little menace.

BFF
Let me tell you, Beetlejuice is at the bottom of the barrel, but RJ is only one up. I would hang out with him, don’t get me wrong, but I certainly wouldn’t let him lick me like dog food. [On the 1st Beetlejuice DVD, he has sex with a crack whore who tells him to “eat her pussy like it’s dog food.”]

My Wife
Beetlejuice or a street prostitute (no AIDS, but no guarantees about anything else)?

BFF
A street prostitute.

My Wife
I learn something new about you every day.

BFF
Yes, I am such a mystery.

Web Bonus Info:
You can play the "Who Would You Fuck (if you had no choice)?" game at home and if you have some good ones, please send them to me. I love to play this game and there are no rules, so send whatever you like to josh (at) negcap dot com.
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