A paper zine for people who hate people.

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Did You Know?????


I couldn’t swallow pills until I was 21. When I would try, the pill would get stuck in my throat, causing me to choke.

I haven’t had sex with anyone besides my wife since 1992, the year I graduated college, but I didn’t meet her until 1994.

I like to eat fruit, but not in fruit form. I prefer bananas freeze-dried, I love frozen fruit pureed into smoothies. One of my favorite treats is Trader Joe’s flattened bananas. My issue with fruit is the lack of consistency. I think it’s weird how there is so much variation in the flavor of real food, sometimes even two strawberries from the same package don’t taste the same, but Heinz ketchup is always the same flavor, even in Amsterdam at the Albert Hejn market.

When you take out the garbage, it’s like your house is taking a shit and someone else has to clean that shit up.

I will never wear flip-flops because I think they are the laziest form of shoes in the world. In addition, I hate having anything between my toes because it completely skeeves me out. I also don’t wear open toed shoes or sandals (except at the gym) because I think you need to protect your feet from the elements. Once I was walking behind this girl on 57th Street and she was wearing flip-flops. A construction worker hocked a huge loogie and spit it on the ground. She happened to step in the way just in time and the entire loogie was dripping phlegm and saliva all over her foot and toes. That would never have happened if she had just worn shoes like a normal person.

It was never cool to do one of those lists where you say what was is cool, what was cool and what is not cool anymore.

The last day I worked a regular job was December 7, 2007, Pearl Harbor Day. I call it my retirement day, but in the Blade Runner sense of the term “retirement.”

As a kid I was never into sports, but my brother always was. He asked me what my favorite football team was because he liked the Dallas Cowboys and he wanted “his” team to beat whatever team that I liked. I had no favorite team so my brother showed me pictures of all their helmets. The only helmet I liked was the Miami Dolphins’ because it has a dolphin, wearing a helmet, jumping through a ring of fire. Nothing in the world says football to me like a dolphin and a ring of fire. This infuriated my brother, who insisted that I needed to have a better reason to like a team besides the helmet. The Dolphins are still the only sports team I ever root for and yet I have no idea who plays for the team and I never watch them play. It still makes me happy to hear that the Dolphins have won or the Cowboys have lost.

President Gerald Ford was born Leslie Lynch King and was named after his biological father. After his parents got divorced, they re-named him after his step-father, Gerald Rudolph Ford. He was also the only US President who was never elected to be President or Vice President. This isn’t a fact about me, but it’s an interesting fact and as soon as I read it, I wanted to share. Also, the only President to ever win an Emmy was Richard Nixon, believe it or not.

I was unanimously voted president of the co-op board of my building and besides my family, I am the youngest resident. They have never seen this zine, but it’s too late now. They won’t even let me quit, even though I am sick of all of the responsibility and threaten to quit often.
A chicken named Mike lived for years after having his head cut off. Wiki it, bro.

I used to worry that I would get drafted by the Army and I always thought that moving to Canada or blowing a guy were viable options to get me out of it. Finally, I am too old.

I got my first computer, a Commodore 64, in 1982 and within six months I had a BBS running and had cracked the copy protection on a few of my games. I also had the 400K external floppy drive and a state-of-the-art 300 baud Hayes-compatible modem (for reference, shitty dial up is 56,000 baud). I used my first Mac in 1985 and have never owned a PC, nor have I ever paid for anything by Microsoft.

I always make the bed, I don't leave dishes in the sink and I always shower twice a day.

I am not afraid of heights, but I am afraid of depths, which explains why I won’t go into a mine, an underground cave or go scuba diving. The air is here, I need the air to live, therefore I will spend my life where the air is. This is my poetry.

I didn’t get a passport until I was 20; my son got one when he was 3 months old. He has logged more miles in his first 3 years than I did in my first 25. Until he is 10, his passport picture will be of a 3-month-old baby.

My family has a two members who sound like they would be black, but are not. My brother is an Uncle Ben and my father-in-law is an Uncle Tom.

The mosquito is responsible for more deaths than any other animal in the world. I am responsible for the deaths of thousands of mosquitos. No need for a parade.

I have never been at the same school for more than two years in a row in my entire life, and it was usually because we moved.

I have had the same primary-care doctor since 1995, when I picked his name out of a book because it sounded Jewish. He is easily 70 pounds overweight and his medical speciality is weight management. I love him because I can call his secretary with symptoms and get pills called into my pharmacy within an hour.

A pity fuck still counts.

When I am rich, I would like to have a come butler, a middle aged white man who would step out of a hidden closet after every sexual encounter to clean me and my partner with a warm, damp towel and then leave some mints and iced beverages before stepping back into the closet.

As a sullen 12-year-old, I played Dungeons and Dragons at a store called Waterloo on Long Island. My mom would drop me off with a bunch of creepy older dudes and I’d take my made-up characters on adventures. I mention this only because my wife thinks she’s never slept with someone who’s played D&D. I also played a ripoff version called Tunnels & Trolls which I thought was even better than the original.

There are many things I hate passionately: people who use cell phones at the gym, Hitler, Jocelyn, cancer. In that order.

I have many more gay friends on Facebook than exes that I have had sex with.

I have never had a wet dream.

The saddest thing about getting older is that you become what you hate and you hate what you’ve become.
Web Bonus Info: This piece was partially inspired by Fun Facts, a regular feature of the zine Fish with Legs. I'd link up to his site, but I think he doesn't have a web site. I could write these all day but I edited the list down to these.