A paper zine for people who hate people.

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Our Cover Story, by Lurky

[Publisher’s note: Lurky refers to Jøsh as “J” and my wife as “j,” which are said aloud as “capital J” and “little J” when used in conversation.]

One summer one time I was watching TeleVision and I saw a good show. On the show they were doing stuff that looked funner than the stuff that we do. On the show the people were playing out in the woods, spelunking, cooking marshmallows over a fire and having story time just like we have with J. Only on the show it was ugly kids, but all kids are ugly. So I said to J that we wanted to go camping, like on the show. Since he’s a jew he’s not allowed to go camping. He said something about keeping kosher and no blowdryers or some such thing. It’s hard to understand him sometimes. I don’t really know how back in olden times the jews knew that someday there would be blowdryers and such, but they did.

We talked to j about where we could go and what we would need for our trip since she’s smart and practical and such. She said that we could go to the woods in Central Park for a sleepover but we’d need help with packing and organizing and things.

I started to plan a trip by talking to Edward, who is from Sweden and has experience with the great outdoors. After talking for a while we decided that we wanted to have a nature hike and a sleepover in the park. Then we had a general meeting for all the monkeys where we talked about the trip and figured out who wanted to go and who didn’t.

Maxim didn’t want to go because Monty wasn’t going. Bosco had to go because cRow was going and cows have a herd mentality sometimes. Once the cow herd was on board, the two hippos, Atsuki and Tomas, had to come too. Babe had to come because he loves being outside and doesn’t get out enough, apparently. Angerboy and Scoop the pelican were reluctant at first because they’re so small, but Edward and I said that we would be happy to look out for them. Bok Choy is a master storyteller and knows all kinds of stuff about the occult, so she wanted to come. But Bok Choy was concerned because she and Atsuki were going to be the only girls on the trip and she wanted a girl that she could hang out with, since Tomas and Atsuki are sort of a couple. She wanted to invite her friend Rosie, who Bok Choy said would meet us there, so we said that would be okay.

When we arrived in the park we wandered around by the zoo, looking for Gus, the polar bear that lives there. He was making out with Ida, one of the ladybears that he is shacked up with, so we decided to leave them to their playtime. On our way out of the zoo, we ran into Rosie, who was eating her way through a box of Ding-Dongs covered in chocolate sauce. At first she seemed nice so we let her join us for the rest of our trip. She didn’t bring any equipment or sleeping bags but Bok Choy said that they could share hers.

After another hour of hiking, exploring, spelunking and avoiding the creepy bums that camp in the park all the time, we decided to find a nice place to set up our tents. As soon as we said we were going to stop, Rosie started bitching that it was too cold, too dark and she wanted some ice cream, Twinkies and hamburgers. Needless to say, cRow and Bosco don’t take kindly to people eating hamburgers and they frowned at her. I explained to her that as the leader of the expedition I had to maintain some kind of order during our trip but she wouldn’t listen. Instead she started gnawing on Bosco’s tushy. We pulled her off Bosco and then she started to bite Scoop, saying that birds were tasty. Well, Jesus Christ may be tasty but that doesn’t make it okay to eat Him.

We explained to Rosie that no one on the trip was food, but if she was still hungry we would be happy to help her find some berries by foraging. She didn’t want to forage because she’s fat and lazy. We told her that we had some marshmallows for roasting and if she wanted some of those, she could have some after we set up the tents.

While we were setting up the tents, Angerboy noticed that Rosie was not only not helping, but she had opened our one bag of marshmallows and was stuffing her fat head as fast as she could. That was enough for all of us. I apologized to Bok Choy for what I knew we were going to do. I grabbed that selfish, greedy bitch by the hair while the other monkeys found my duct tape and rope. We tied her up and clamped her arms behind her back. Then we stuffed her mouth with as many marshmallows as we could fit and covered her mouth with duct tape. Then we tied her to a spit and started the fire. After we all calmed down from the excitement, we sat around the fire, told stories and enjoyed roasted marshmallows long into the evening. Unfortunately, Rosie did not survive her punishment, so once she was good and roasted, we ate her. Naturally, we all got sick. It’s our fault, though, because J always tells us not to eat fatty foods. If you want to know who’s who in the picture, I made a key which appears above.

Web Bonus Info: Since this cover was shot, Rosie’s corpse has been sealed in a plastic bag but the fucking bitch still talks when you poke her too hard. I think I may have to dismember her in order to get her to shut her big stupid mouth.