A paper zine for people who hate people.

The Importance of Defining Your Terms

How do I know, Connie?

There’s a great news clip that I’ve listened to about a million times where Connie Chung is talking live on TV to Emory King, a black reporter who is standing outside the White House. Emory doesn’t realize that he’s on the air because it’s obvious that he’s not paying attention. Connie says, “Has President Reagan announced plans to scrap his scheduled trip to the Phillipines due to the unrest there?” After a long pause, Emory looks right at the camera and says, “Hey, how do I know, Connie?” He hesitates, listens to his earpiece, then suddenly realizes that he’s not only on the air but he’s also just insulted Connie. He says, “Omigod! I’m very sorry, Connie. Obviously the White House has kept a very close eye on developments in the Phillipines.” Now my wife and I say this to each other whenever we don’t know the answer to a question.

Smophere. My word for a friendly or comfortable atmosphere.

How dare you, sir!

We got this line from the film Clear and Present Danger. We’ve never seen the movie, but we’ve seen the trailer a billion times. There’s a scene where Harrison Ford is acting all righteous while accusing the President of misdeeds. The President says, “How dare you! I’m the President of the United States,” Harrison grimly clenches his jaw and he says, “How dare you, sir!” It’s like, you know you’re up against a superior, but since they’re corrupt, they’re beneath your contempt. You don’t have to show respect to people who are so obviously evil, to hear me tell it.

Yo, Brooklyn! Top of the food chain, yo yo yo!

Mike Tyson has contributed so much to our culture that he really ought to be added to Mount Rushmore. He was warming up for a fight in front of the press and he said, “Brooklyn! Top of the food chain, yo!” like he’s the ultimate predator. Man, that guy is just so goddamn great. I added the “yo, yo, yo!” because I used to hear it all the time