A paper zine for people who hate people.

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I’ve never changed a tire, I can barely drive a stick. I’ve only had one cavity and one wisdom tooth removed in my entire life and they both happened to me the same weekend I had to go to my grandfather’s funeral. I use two different asthma inhalers and take three kinds of asthma pills every day. I have no alcohol in my house for me but I do have vodka and beer for guests. During the internet boom, I used to watch CNBC regularly even though I had about $300 worth of stock, which was my entire portfolio. I’ve never had anal sex, either pitching or catching. For many years I had a Jesus night light in my bathroom that was given to me as a gift from Bonaduce (see “Karoshi”) because he was pussywhipped and his Jewish girlfriend wouldn’t let him display it. My wife and I are also both Jewish and we think it’s hilarious.
I hate old movies, meaning almost everything made before 1980. I’ve never seen Gone with the Wind and I walked out of a free screening of Citizen Kane after forty minutes because it was awful and I was so bored I thought I was going to be ill. There are at least three mutant hairs that grow on my body, one on my left bicep, one on my left shoulder and one on the left side of my stomach. All of them grow very rapidly to more than three inches long and my wife thinks it’s fascinating. I have met at least two people who later murdered someone. I was friendly with Michael Alig back when he was king of the Club Kids and he was always very pleasant to me. Years later, he murdered a drug dealer who attacked him and now he’s in jail. They made a good documentary about him called Party Monster and later Macaulay Culkin played him in the fictionalized film version. Both films were good but neither captured the real magic of the moment. I met record producer Phil Spector at a funeral with my friend the Junkie, who was a huge Spector fan. We didn’t know the deceased, Doc Pomus, but the Junkie knew that Phil would be there. Spector was a creepy little man in heels and he gave me the douche chills. In 2003, a woman that he had just met was shot to death in his house and I find it highly unlikely that she would have shot herself with his gun. The first three concerts I saw were Rush, Rush and Rush and at the second one I got my first contact high from the stoners in front of me. I have no tattoos because I think tattoos are the hallmark of white trash. One of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me started when I masturbated so I could fall asleep, finished into a tissue and threw the tissue in the garbage. The next morning I woke up and went to the bathroom and after I was done peeing, I saw a line of ants marching across the floor. They were tiny little specks, but there were thousands of them. I followed the trail back to my bedroom and saw that the line went up the side of my garbage can and into the garbage. When I started digging around I found what they were after. There were hundreds of them swarming on my cumrag, eating all of my precious sperm. I can honestly say that my children have been attacked and eaten alive by ants. In the beginning of 1989 I had only $30 to my name, all of it in cash in my wallet. By the end of the year, I had more than $100,000 that was all mine and I hadn’t done anything illegal or even morally wrong and I didn’t have to do any work. I sincerely believe that New York City is the only place that exists in the present. Everything filters down from NYC and it travels in waves. Most of Canada is in 1988 (go and see for yourself), England is in the early 90’s, Europe is still stuck in the mid-70’s and most of Africa is languishing somewhere in the late 1800’s. I can have an orgasm and completely maintain my erection. Even though I self-publish, I still consider myself a wordsmith, editor, art director, photographer, designer, circulation manager and freelance asshole. I part my hair on the right and grow it long on the left because when I was seventeen I acquired a huge scar on my head where the hair never grew back. I got the scar from the 46 stitches that I needed after I knocked out the windshield of my VW Bug with my head, 20 on the inside of the wound and 26 on the outside to close it. The cut severed a lot of the nerves to the top of my scalp so I can take a pretty serious beating to the head and I don’t feel a thing.
I have two TiVo Series 2s, a dual-processor Mac tower and a G4 iBook that are all part of a 128-bit encrypted wireless network in my home that I built and maintain myself. I do not have a home phone, just a bluetooth cell phone that my job pays for. The TiVos get program data and new software updates from my best friend the internet. He’s a good guy, that internet, and he just knows EVERYTHING! The last three digits of Negative Capability’s UPC were randomly assigned as 666. For the past two years I have used a pot delivery service where bags of weed are called “tickets,” and in keeping with the metaphor, good weed is “front row” and seedy weed is stickered “general admission.” I page a guy named Ryan and he calls me back from a blocked, disposable cell phone. He asks if I need tickets and gives me an estimate of how long it will take someone to reach me. I never say my name or give any information. Each delivery has a two-ticket minimum, but you get 20% off when you buy more than four tickets at a time. If you buy ten at once, you get one free, but I’ve never gotten the free one because to me buying ten at a time means you have a drug problem and I clearly don’t have a drug problem. I have an old cow-patterned bathrobe from Nick and Nora that my wife bought for me a long time ago. I wear it when I get out of the shower twice every day. I hate musicals because I’m heterosexual and I hate when people sing instead of talk. I also don’t think it’s gay to get a blowjob from a guy because a blowjob is always good, like chocolate is always good, no matter where or who it’s from. Taking a dick in your mouth, on the other hand, is gay only if you’re a guy. Otherwise it is wonderful. And there’s not a goddamn thing wrong with being gay. My boss is a gay African-American, but he’s never been considered a minority. I have flown first class on five occasions and I’ve never paid for it with money or sex, but twice it was with miles. I’ve never been on the Concorde and never will be. I have been cutting my own hair since I was eighteen because I don’t need to pay anyone else to fuck it up, I can do it myself. I am against the death penalty but I am also for serial killers. We all have to die some day and it should not be the government’s business to decide, it should be up to us. After all, isn’t this a democracy? No, it’s actually a republic, which is different because it’s a representative form of government. There are no politicians that represent my point of view and I doubt there ever will be. Whenever someone asks me to toast them with a drink I always say, “L’Chaim,” which is Hebrew for “To Life,” because I think it’s the best reason to drink. Whenever anyone sneezes I say “gesundheit” because even though I think all things German are creepy, I think it’s more creepy and religious to say, “Bless you,” especially since I would never mean it. Whenever I go to the airport in New York I realize how much I hate foreigners and whenever I go to a mall I realize how much I hate Americans. I have one plant in my apartment that my wife named Big Erns after a retard who sent me a few e-mails that I published in NegCap #2. It’s a very small, bushy reddish tree that is growing in all directions and seems to be thriving despite the fact that I barely interact with it. Erns is the only plant I’ve ever had. I have never, and will never, weigh more than 200 pounds. I have been working on this piece since I started my zine in 1997 and I had to remove a few things that were no longer true. I have driven all the way across the United States three times in my life so far, with three different people: my sister, my ex-friend Jay and my wife. The shark is the only animal I am afraid of and even though on some level, I think I could take a shark, I know that a big shark would easily turn me into shark shit. I am not afraid of other animals because I can avoid almost all of them by staying in New York City. I like spiders and whenever a spider has made a web in my home I try to catch bugs to feed them. Whenever I find a bug in my house when I have no spiders, I gently catch it with a cup and put it outside, even if it’s huge. I’m like the Beastmaster when it comes to catching insects, but once our white trash downstairs neighbors let crickets escape from their lizard’s cage and the crickets made a home under our bed. My wife caught seven of them using her raw animal skill and I was really impressed because the crickets were keeping us awake every night until she caught them. After she caught them we always let them go because we regarded them as escaped slaves who had earned their freedom. When I was in kindergarten, the teacher called my mom in for a conference because she had confiscated a sex manual that I had written which included many illustrations. I don’t remember knowing anything about sex at that age but my mother says that she saw my sex manual and I knew plenty. Unfortunately for all of us, they threw it away or you would be reading it right now.
As a reward for reading this, please enjoy a photo of a crazy, creepy whore named Star Jones back when she was married to a gay guy and so far that just talking wore her out. I know, you want to see her in a BATHING SUIT. No jacking off, please.

Web Bonus Facts:

I’ve never had a wet dream. (On a related note, someone I told this fact to said that they never had one either, and theorized that it was because he learned the masturbate to go to sleep and if he’s ever feeling pent up, he takes one out of the chamber and can sleep without having a wet dream. I would bet that if I stopped taking the poison out, I would have a lot of wet dreams.)

I am allergic to dust, mold, pollen, trees, leaves, animals, dust mites and religious people.