A paper zine for people who hate people.

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Are You Homophobic?

1 How do you eat a banana?
a) I peel the skin back like a foreskin and I push the back of my head down over the entire length of the banana. Once I feel it hit my gag reflex, I push a little farther and break off a small piece using only my firm tongue.
b) I carve the banana into small shapes, like vaginas and boobs, then gently chew on them.
c) I put the whole banana in my mouth and suck on it gently until it dissolves in my mouth.
d) I don’t eat bananas. I won’t have any fruit in my mouth, ever.

2 How do you feel about gay marriage?
a) Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, faggot.
b) Why should I be the only one to suffer and lose half my money to some harpy? Let the dykes have a taste of that!
c) Every time a gay person gets married, an angel gets a big, painful hemorrhoid and that’s not very angelic.
d) I’m too busy sucking cock to answer that question.

3 How do you feel about gay adoption?
a) I can barely tolerate my own kids, much less some gay kids.
b) If you have two gay parents, it means you will definitely turn out gay. I know this doesn’t explain all the gays whose parents are straight, but let’s not let facts cloud my argument.
c) Brangelina’s Gay!?!?!?
d) As long as they stay quiet in the movies, I don’t care who has kids. They can’t be worse than mine.

4 Do you eat hot dogs?
a) I prefer blood sausage, but I’ll scarf a dog, yes, I will.
b) Only if it’s chopped up in hot dog fried rice.
c) I only eat the fake ones.
d) Yes, smothered in mayonnaise with meatballs stuck in the bun.

5 How do you feel about wrestling?
a) I popped a rod as soon as you mentioned it.
b) It’s fake, and I only watch real things, like reality TV. I have no idea what irony is.
c) I enjoy Greco-Roman wrestling, but that bullshit on TV is an insult to the history of wrestling
d) I will watch guys in bikini bathing suits do anything to each other—the greasier, the better

6 How many dicks have you seen besides your own?
a) You’re a fag for even asking that question.
b) I haven’t seen my own since I got fat after I got married.
c) Everyone stares at other guys’ dicks in the locker room, right? Right?!?!
d) I can look at cocks all day; it’s what’s attached that I can’t look at.

7 If you could only have one CD with you on a desert island for the rest of time, what would it be?
a) Erasure, Abba-esque
b) Metallica, Master of Puppets
c) the soundtrack to Chicago
d) The Very Best of Bette Midler or Barbra Streisand

8 Let’s say you need to use a public bathroom. You enter the men’s room and there are three urinals: A, B and C. There’s someone at A. What do you do?
a) I immediately skip like a girl to a stall, where I sit down to pee.
b) I go up behind Mr. A and I rub my Mr. C against his hot little ass.
c) I quietly walk to urinal C, stare straight ahead and say absolutely nothing to anyone.
d) I go to B and try to sneak a peek at the other dude’s cock.

9 Using the previous question as an example, if you enter the bathroom and find that there are already men at urinals A and C, you should:
a) Get down on your knees between both gentlemen and invite them to urinate into your open mouth.
b) Go to urinal B without saying a word, grab the other two penises and shift them like you are driving a car.
c) Immediately go into a stall and jerk off while watching the other guys pee.
d) Go into the ladies room and pee on the floor.

10 How many times in your life have you seen a Cirque du Soleil show?
a) What’s that, faggot? Cirque du so Gay!
b) Just once: I won tickets in a lumberjack contest and my Playboy Playmate girlfriend said she wanted to blow me during the show.
c) More than 20. And I swallow.
d) I am at one right now, lover.

11 What do you usually wear on your feet?
a) Flip-flops so you can see my pedi.
b) Mandals, so you can see my pedi.
c) Barefoot, so you can see my pedi.
d) I only wear steel-toed workboots, you fruit cup.

12 What is your favorite movie?
a) Beaches
b) Wet Hot Bitches 3
c) The Unbearable Lightness of Being
d) Cock Frenzy 9

13 What do you most often masturbate to?
a) Juggs
b) Restoration Hardware catalog.
c) Internet porn (mostly scat and incest)
d) A Polaroid of your mother’s pussy that I just took.

For the correct answers, look into your heart. If you got any of these questions wrong, you are probably gay, if not bi. There is nothing wrong with that and I wish you well, zei gazint, as the Yids say, which means, “be well.”