A paper zine for people who hate people.

This is being posted for one simple reason: spite. I posted it on my site for about a year as part of my attempts to find more content to fill out my hollow site. Then I took it down when I had written enough original content to push it aside. Besides, I didn’t even think the writing was that good. But then when I found the girl in the story on Facebook, I thought for sure she would be nice and be my friend. Instead she ignored me. When I asked her if I had done something wrong, or maybe if her husband didn’t want her to ever talk to any ex-boyfriends, she finally responded. She said that some friends of her had googled her a long time ago and found this story on my site and it pissed her off. As a result, she said, I had tainted all of her memories of me and I should fuck off as soon as possible. So, I fucked off and left her alone. And then I decided to post it again so when people google her now they can find this story. I think it’s pretty innocuous, but you can decide for yourself. If she had just accepted my friend request and ignored me, this would never have happened. Sorry, Sarah, but you had a chance to be nice and you were an asshole to me, so fuck you.

We were told in the autobiography to write something about an important event in our lives, but we had to write it from the point of view of the other person, which was challenging. I decided that I wanted to write about my ex-girlfriend, Sarah Hayes. I met her while I was working at Kingsmont, a fat camp in West Stockbridge, Mass. I went because my step-monster told me that I could either go away to camp for the summer or go away anyplace else forever. I didn't want to go to a sleep away camp, especially because I was 16. My older brother Ben had been going to Kingsmont with mixed results since he was 13 (and I was 12). He would lose weight all summer and keep it up until winter, when it would all come back with a vengeance. He loved Kingsmont because the people there were very cool to him. He told me he could get me a job there that wouldn't pay, but would get me away from my step-monster for the summer.

For the first few days people there hated me because I was skinny. It wasn't my fault, but that's how it is there. After a while people warmed up to me and I made a lot of friends. I also developed a little harem of 14-year-old girls because I was more attractive than the chubby 14-year-old boys and I was from New York. I also taught magic and juggling and it was not hard for me to beat them at most organized sports. I'm not really athletic, but in comparison to the other campers, I was Bruce Jenner.

When I was there, I was an assistant counselor, but because Sarah was there to teach horseback riding, she was technically a counselor. I was seven months older than she was, but I was a camper and she wasn't, which meant we were not supposed to fraternize.

Anyway, Sarah Hayes was the first girl I ever loved. I knew her very well and still have fond memories of our relationship, even though it was a long time ago. I wrote this story about our relationship, from her point of view, just so I could alternately praise and condemn myself and show that I can see how others see me, sometimes. It's called "The View From Above" because when I met Sarah, she was 5' 10" and I was probably 5' 5" or so. It was odd seeing us together, but it worked.

Yours Truly: The View From Above

He was such an arrogant little prick that I had to tell him so. He looked at me, or maybe he was just looking through me and said, "So?" Like he had some right to be so fucking arrogant. I mean I was a full four inches taller than him, I could have easily just picked him up by his scrawny little ass and tossed him. I wanted to, but his harem probably would have attacked me. He would just sit there on the back porch of the rec hall of the fat camp and tell jokes to a captive audience. It was painfully obvious what he had done. He was a skinny kid who came to fat camp to get laid. What else could he have possibly wanted? In the real world he was just a little geek, and here among the fucked up little overeaters he could reign as king, as long as he never got too close to one of them. Then the rest would leave him. He was playing them off of each other and loving every fucking minute of it, and I despised him for it.

I wasn't fat either, I was there to teach horseback riding. My Mom was in charge of tutoring. Working at a camp was a chance to get out of Wolfboro, and away from the all the summer renters and their horny sons. It was getting old quickly. I knew his older brother, Ben, who had worked at the camp for the past five years, I'm sure Ben the pig said, "Come up to camp, man, you'll have the pick of the chicks." I'd like to smack him, too.

The first time I ever saw him without his little gaggle of geese he was sitting in the back room of the kitchen while the counselors were gorging themselves away from the prying eyes of the campers. He was a camper, and had no right to be in the back room with us. He just sat in the corner, staring at a pile of bread on his plate. "Figures," I thought, "his brother got him back here 'cause he couldn't take the food that the rest of us had to eat." He just sat there eating. I should have guessed that he could eat twelve dinners and still prance around with no shirt on. I could barely get my girls to go in the pool if there were boys within a mile of the place, and he would just walk by in shorts and wave at them, deliberately undermining my authority.

"What the hell was that little stunt you pulled with my girls today?"
"Who, me?"
"Yes, you," I was gritting my teeth.
"Oh, you mean at the pool, I was just going by and figured I would say hello to some of my friends. Is that ok, sir?"

I thought for a second about grabbing him by the throat, the sarcastic little fuck.
"Listen, pal, save your bullshit for someone who cares. Don't fuck with me." I thought I felt steam come out of nose.
"Oooh, I'm quaking in my boots, honey."
I was so pissed off. I just left, glad that no one else was listening and deciding how I would get my revenge.

I told all my girls that they were not to go anywhere near him, or they would have to be in the cabin by eight every night. I knew I couldn't keep my threat, but sometimes the threat is enough. It was funny that I was sixteen and was telling a bunch of fourteen and fifteen year-olds what to do, but I was the counselor and they were the campers.

The next time I saw him he was playing soccer on the fields next to me and my girls. He was wearing this mesh shirt and running furiously up and down the fields. He was screaming and cursing, attracting the attention of everyone within earshot. I went to talk to his counselor, Mike.

"Mike, Josh is really disrupting our game and his language is unnecessary. Can't you control him?"
"Why don't you try? Hey, Josh, come here."
He passed the ball and came running over to us.
"Hey, Mike, whatsamatta?"
"Sarah here doesn't appreciate your little hijinks, and your fucking language is totally unfuckingnecessary, okay dick?"
I was getting really tired of all these men.
Josh looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone. It's just when I'm out on the field I get into it. It won't happen again."

He was either totally sincere or unbelievably sarcastic, I couldn't tell, but I know which one Mike thought he was and that made me even more pissed off.
"Take a walk with me, Josh, I want to talk to you alone."

He looked really serious and Mike stood there laughing at him. That made me feel a little better, but I was still really pissed. We walked to the side of the field, Josh walking a few paces behind me.
"Sit down, Mr. Mouth."
"Jeez, I said I was sorry and I meant it."
"What is your problem?"
"You want the whole list or just the top ten?"
"That's it. Why do you always have to be so fucking obnoxious all the time? What did I ever do to you?"
"Nothing, you didn't do anything to me."
"Then what the hell is the problem? I mean you and your little harem always giggling when I walk by and that crap by the pool, I mean what the hell are you trying to accomplish?"
He stared blankly at me.
"Well, Mr. Mouth, do you have an answer for me?"
"Yes and no, and please don't call me Mr. Mouth, Sarah."
There was something really strange about the way he said my name. I still couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic.
"Well, what is the yes part?"
"I give you a hard time and giggle when you go by because I think that you are beautiful and since I am such a juvenile I don't know any other way to tell you. I'm sorry if I got you pissed, I really didn't mean to."

I was stunned. I thought maybe he was being sarcastic, it was impossible to get a straight answer out of him.
"How am I supposed to believe you? Why do you have that harem then? Why didn't you just talk to me?"
"Oh, the girls you mean, harem, that's funny."
He stood up and started to belly dance.
"Oh, master, I am here for your pleasure," he was whispering and dancing. He abruptly sat down. "It's the truth. It was all to get your attention, and maybe, no, you'll laugh at me."
I suddenly realized that he was probably telling the truth. I sat down next to him, intrigued. "What is it, Josh?"
"Well ever since I was like twelve my family has thought that I was gay and they sit around waiting for me to admit it. Sometimes I wish I was gay so they would leave me the hell alone. The harem impresses my brother the neanderthal, and he calls home to tell my parents what a little studmonkey I am. Okay, are you satisfied?"
I felt all the anger leave me. I actually felt bad for him. For a second I thought that he must just be pulling my chain, but he looked like he might cry.
"I probably should have just told you, but you're a counselor and I'm technically a camper, and I think you know the rules here. I took my frustration out on you and I'm sorry. I don't want you to hate me. Got your attention though, didn't I?"
"Yeah, you did."
"So what do you say?"
"To what?"
"To, would you go out with me, Ms. Sarah Hayes?"
"Um, I don't know, I mean, I never thought about it and, and.."
"You're dating Blake my annoying WASP counselor and you dig him harder. My brother told me."
"No, we went out last summer. We're just friends."
"Good, then now that I have put you on the spot, you can't say no, besides I'm cuter than he is. I'm not as tall, but hell, for me you'd lean over to kiss me."

Suddenly he had turned back into the cocky little bastard I despised only a few minutes ago.
"We'll go to the movies together, okay? If you have a bad time, you can tell all your friends what a dick I am and I'll spend the rest of the summer letting you make me miserable, is that fair?"
I could see that he was determined, and damn if it didn't take a lot of guts to try this shit on me. I had to respect that. I realized that our groups would be going to the movies together anyway, so I figured it was worth taking a chance, because if he was right and I would like him, fine, and if I didn't, I would have a genuine reason to make his life miserable. And I would have his permission.
We went to the movies, and he was right. He talked throughout the movie, and now it makes me mad that I can't even remember what movie it was. I had a great time. He bought me popcorn and would steal it back from me to throw at the people in front of us. He would make jokes and talk to the screen, making everyone around us laugh. It was obnoxious, but I quickly realized how much better it was to be on his side than against him.

When we got back to camp there was a meeting in the rec hall and when we went together and walked in past his harem, he just said hello and went in with me. They were giving me dirty looks, so I told Josh. He went out and sat with them for a few minutes, I don't know what he said, but it worked. During the meeting I had to stand on the sides, keeping everyone under control. Every time I would look at him he would make a face at me and I would start laughing. I started to realize that he had been telling the truth. He was a juvenile, but in a way, a very mature juvenile.
That night we sat together in the soccer field and talked for about six hours. I found out that he was older than me, by about five months. I loved to remind him that he was older, and I was the counselor. It drove him nuts. I found out that we liked the same music, but he hated the Stones. Oh, and he despised the Dead, but I forgave him, because I hated Robyn Hitchcock, but he tried very hard and eventually changed that.
We would both try to drive each other nuts, I would come off as a radical feminist, and he would be the devil's advocate and play the Republican nay-sayer. It was always very playful. We would spend hours just talking, and he never tried anything. I thought it was strange but after a while, when we would just confront each other about anything that was bothering us, I asked him why he didn't try anything. He humbly told me that he was afraid that he was going to blow it. He had built up any kind of physical intimacy in his mind. He was desperately worried that I wouldn't like him if he kissed me. So I responded by kissing him. He was nervous, but he did fine. He was always nervous about things, but he was always pleasantly surprised to find that he was capable.
One night, when we both were out past curfew, we sat on the back steps of the rec hall together. We kissed and talked and looked oblivious to the rest of the world. He grabbed my necklace and told me that he wanted it. Like a little man trying to claim territory. I told him that if he wanted it he would have to come to my mother's apartment that night. My mom was away for the week, and I had the small apartment to myself. I walked him over to where it was and told him to come back at four in the morning, and I would happily give him the necklace.
I barely slept waiting for him to come over. I knew he could get in trouble if he was caught, but that was his problem. I sat and smoked and watched my portable television. When I heard him nervously wandering around outside, I went to the front door and stood there wearing a long T-shirt and socks. He looked like he might throw up or something. I invited him and we sat together in the dark. We started to kiss and he got up and walked around outside.
"You're not a virgin, are you, Josh?"
"Ha, me a virgin. No. I'm not."
"Then what's the matter?"
As I should have expected, he was nervous, but he was just fine. I gave him the necklace, which was much too small for him, but he didn't care. I fell asleep in his arms and when my alarm went off at six-thirty, I said good-bye as he went back to join his group. I didn't even care if he told his brother.


I was not a virgin at the time but I liked the ambiguity of it.

Sarah and I were together for all of my senior year in high school and broke up in the first semester of college, even though we were only twenty minutes away from each other. She wanted to be an actress and I think when she got to school she thought I wasn't cool enough to hang with her friends and we broke up. We stayed in touch a little after the break-up and she was the one who was friends with Too Much Joy and used me to get Ecstasy for them. When the junkie worked for a big talent agency, she tried to use him to get herself work but I put the kibosh on that idea. She's was trying to be an actress in NYC for twenty years and it's a delight that you don't know who she is at all. She did an episode of Law & Order and a few indie movies that you never heard of. Now she’s married to a troll and has three ugly kids. Bitter? Me? Never!!
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