I know I said that I would stop but in the process of making this new version of the web site, I found an old text file with some rejected ones that I thought were good enough for the web, where you generally get what you pay for. Some of these ended up on the audiozine that I did but I think I'll just make that free for download
on this site. It was super fun to make, I am very proud of what we did but at some point you say that you would rather have people enjoy it than constantly trying to sell it.
Smoke the Banger
This is the name of the home video by EMF who did that song, "Unbelievable." I first heard that song when I was in Los Angeles trying to get tickets to go to Australia. I had no idea what the name (Smoke the Banger) meant. About three weeks later, I was in Sydney with my friends Gary and Victoria, who live there, and we had a little cookout in a park near their apartment. For lunch I had some kind of flat bread, because they were enjoying champagne, pot and sausage (Australians are very sweet, but very, very, wacky). They called the sausage "bangers" like most people from British colonies. It was the first time I had heard it, and as soon as they said it, I knew what the name of the EMF video meant. So, smoke the banger, pretty obviously, would be a reference to fellatio. Awesome, right? Smoke the banger, indeed.
As far as I know, this is the most accurate description of a common phenomenon. It describes how guys, after having an orgasm, immediately fall asleep. Some call it "post-nut clarity" but clarity and falling asleep are different things. I wish I could sleep that easily, which is why I didn’t use it.
Shit’s real popular these days, and I am not using the word “shit” to refer to other things. I mean, actual shit is all the rage. Me, I could care less. I don’t eat a lot of gassy foods so I can barely fart and don’t find shit all that funny. It’s just another thing we have to do, and if it were up to me, I would get my food, drugs and entertainment intravenously. Anyway, I heard this guy on the radio who was selling some kind of pill to make you produce a four-foot turd, which he claimed would be neat and very healthy. That’s impressive, but the important part was that he said a person’s health could be determined by their fecal bulk. Needless to say, I didn’t buy his product. I didn’t 3use the name because I don’t give a shit. Thanks.
It Puts the Lotion On Its Skin
This is one of the creepiest lines in a movie, ever. It comes from Jonathan Demme's excellent The Silence of the Lambs
. I have been into serial killers since I was 15 and this is one of the few movies (along with Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
) to portray the phenomenon accurately. In one scene, the authorities explain that the killer has the missing woman as his captive and for his own reasons, he doesn't see her as a person, but as an object. He is trying to help her lose some weight so he can skin her and make an outfit from her flesh. That, in and of itself, is awesome in its depravity. But the worst part of it is that she is trapped in a well in the middle of his basement and has no way to escape. In order to help her maintain the condition of her skin, he lowers a basket with lotion down into the pit. She won't comply with his wishes, and he says, very angrily, "It puts the lotion on its skin!" Hoofah! I used to say that to my wife when she wouldn't comply with my stupid wishes. I would adopt a creepy pose and say, "IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!"
No Shit, Sherlock
I used to love to say this to people when they pointed out something that was blatantly obvious. These days, those same people get TV shows on the Fox network.
I never heard the word “choad” used until I saw it on Beavis and Butt-head
. I assume it is a regional thing (like how the little chocolate or colored pieces of candy that you put on ice cream are called sprinkles here in New York, but jimmies in the rest of New England) and most of the time, it is just a slang word for penis. I have heard it used to describe a penis that is wider than it is long but I can't go for that. For some reason, I decided that it really referred to the area between the bottom of the testicles and the rectum, or the same general area on a girl, though that area is a little small to be a choad, technically. The actual name for this area is “perineum,” which is defined as, “the region between the scrotum and the anus in males and between the posterior vulva junction and the anus in females.” My friend Jay calls this area “the sandbar” meaning the area between two other things. I also like that Jackie “The Jokeman” Martling and many others refer to this area as the "taint," as in "T’aint the ass and t’aint the balls." So whenever I hear that a jury has been "tainted" I laugh because I picture a jury being smacked in the face with someone's taint. So, let's say, for the purposes of this discussion, that you shaved your choad. When the hair started to grow back, it would look like you were growing plants there (because new plants breaking the soil and hair regrowing appear similar, if only structurally) that area would be called the "Choad Farm." I also mean it to refer to any kind of sexual activity that involves the area. Using your hands or mouth on the area, for whatever reason, would be called "Choad Farming" and any tools you might use on your trip would be "Choad Tools." I gave it up ’cause it’s too stupid.
A nice euphemism for being dead. I like how simple it is. It isn’t really connected to me at all, I just like it.
This is the name of a song by the obscure 80s band Sigue Sigue Sputnik that featured actual commercials between tracks on the album. It used to refer to the idea of nuclear weapons being a deterrent. If Russia were to actual the US with nuclear weapons, they could expect "massive retaliation." I also like that when there are no letters in it that go beneath the baseline, which is of no interest to anyone but me, I’m sure. Anyway, “Massive Retaliation” was the name of one of their songs, and I love it. I mean, it is along the same lines as overreactionary, because it describes how I function perfectly. I rarely attack people, but, whenever anyone does something even slightly offensive to me, they can be assured that I will not only overreact, but I will hurt them much worse than they hurt me. It is the cause of many problems in my life, but the way I see it is very simple. If you hurt me, whether purposely or by accident, I don’t like it. The only way I can prevent it from happening again is to hurt you much worse than you hurt me, to make you remember what you’ve done in the first place. I know that the phrase was originally coined to describe America’s response to a Russian first nuclear strike, but fuck Ronald Reagan and his ugly, dried-up wife. I’m taking the phrase back, you paranoid, lying old codger. And if you want it back, prepare yourself for massive internal bleeding.
Wedding Tackle / Bits & Pieces
I thought about using this as the name for the CD because they’re both vague enough to mean more than one thing. I got them both from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
and they both refer to his dick. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am fascinated by dick jokes and dick references. Oh, well.
I like words that have an “x” in them. That’s me. Sorry. This word means “wordy” which makes it a great word. A word for “wordy.” Goddamn. I am so fucking gay sometimes.
I was going to make this the name for the first audiozine because I thought the world of zines and world of indie music would be colliding, but my wife thought it was really weak. I guess she’s right. Oh, well.
This whole zine is written in my own personal vernacular but I got sick of saying the name when I tried it on for size, so into the dustbin it went.
Feel My Ubiquity
If you are a fan of Howard Stern, you will recognize this if you pay attention. There were these two total fucking loser twin brothers in a band who had the nerve to call themselves The Jesus Twins. The soundtrack to Private Parts
was about to be released and these two jabronis insisted that they be allowed into the studio to play their song, written specifically for Howard. They felt that once Howard heard it, he would stop pressing the CD and add their song. The name of their song was "Feel My Ubiquity," which is an awful name for anything. It just means, “I am everywhere,” which, in the midst of Howie’s biggest media blitz ever, really did describe the situation. But still, the song sucked, the twins sucked, and I am really glad that they are so fucking over.
I wrote this down one night also when I couldn't sleep, and the reason I did is kind of silly. The only context that this word is ever used is to describe light snow. I know the Inuit have like 26 different words for snow, but I am sure in Alaska there are 26 different kinds of snow. Here in New York City there are two kinds: fresh white and grim grey. The first is the kind you see only during the storm, and within a short time, it all goes south. The only other context I have ever seen the word is in the phrase, , "flurry of activity." I think it is interesting that this word only describes snow or a lot of activity, so I figured if I use it to name a zine, then at least there'd be three uses. But two will have to suffice.
I think that thanks to my incredible dedication, I’m able to think of myself as a sweet person in spite of the fact that I am incredibly spiteful. In spite of spite.
If you want to dismiss someone as having no future, say that they face an acronym death: HIV, DOA, AIDS, MIA, POW, DWI, OD. It’s not that great, I liked it for five minutes.