Untitled Bruce Springsteen Diatribe

I give less than half a fuck about Bruce Springsteen. I have never purchased a single album of his and the only Bruce songs I have in my library are “Blinded by the Light,” “Born to Run” and his cover of “Viva Las Vegas,” that is hot garbage.

I would never go see him in concert not only because three hours of anyone’s music is too much but also because his fans are universally annoying. They all sing along, hold up signs and brag about how many times they have seen him before. Who cares? Wanna know how many times I’ve parallel parked? Buying tickets is not an accomplishment, sorry.

My wife took my mother-in-law to see Bruce and they said it was an amazing show, full of energy and excitement. I told her that I was writing a piece for the zine about how I don’t like Bruce or his music and she told me that I should get over it, he’s great live and has a lot of hits. I’m just a petty, jealous bitch and Bruce deserves all of the praise he gets. It’s almost like she has never read my zine. I am not saying fuck Bruce, I am saying that you couldn’t pay me to go see him concert. Maybe that’s not true, maybe for a billion dollars I would take some drugs, show up late and feel slightly ashamed that I know so many of his songs yet still shit on him. When you come up with the money, get in touch. My price is somewhat negotiable.

If you put a gun to my head and said I had to watch a Bruce show, what exactly would I want to hear? The sound of Bruce choking on my cock? Nah, that’s creepy and weird, why would you think that? No, I would probably give you a hard pass and say life is too short to listen to music you don’t like. Then I thought, you know, I could put together a short set that might be fun to see and as long as I can be in bed by 11, it’s all good. So I made this set list that’s less than an hour for when Bruce does a very special concert for just me and my friends and then leaves quietly when it’s over. That leaves him a few minutes to tune his guitar and laugh at a joke he remembered.

He can come out, mumble about growing up poor in New Jersey, tell a joke without a punchline, check with the band to make sure they are awake and then count in to the first song.

Set List

Atlantic City
Born to Run
Blinded by the Light
Hungry Heart
Dancing in the Dark featuring Coco Cox
I'm on Fire
Secret Garden featuring Baba Booey
Glory Days
Born in the USA

Encore: Cover of Billy Joel's Vienna

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with an idea for the layout of a story and I will draw it on a Post-It note and save it. This is the one I came up with for this story, though I have obviously expanded on the idea. If you want to see the final version, buy a copy when it's out. Below is the picture that inspired me to do this story because I think of Bruce and Woody being polar opposites and yet they are morphing into the same guy.