My Name May No Longer Be Nick
My government name is Joshua though no one calls me that unless I am in trouble. That’s my “being chastised” nickname and I don’t like it. Ever since I was little I wanted an organic nickname that was more descriptive or funny than just Josh. Once in a while I would pick one up from a co-worker or a friend but it never went viral in my life. When people reviewed my zine they would sometimes call me Saitz which I actually liked, however that required the context of talking about my writing style. One reviewer called my style “Saitz-ian” which made me wonder how it gets decided what the suffix is. Saitz-esque? Saitz-adelic?On a family trip to Vermont we kept seeing signs for Dick Mazza. We couldn’t tell if it was a real estate company, a mechanic or a sporting goods store. It become a running joke and whenever we saw a sign for it, I would say the name out loud. After a few times, I started saying it with a guttural German/Austrian accent because I discovered that you can choose different voices for Waze and they had gotten Arnold Schwarzenegger to give directions like the Terminator. “At the next stop sign, turn right, I insist.” After dinner one night we were driving back to our AirBnB, I saw the sign and joked, in my accent, “Ve must get home zo I can Dick Mazza.” Everyone in the car erupted in laughter. Before bed I said I was going to my room to Dick Mazza and the boys were rolling.
When we came back from the trip, Hitch would address me as “Fazza” and my wife as “Mazza” and we thought it was hilarious. In his phone we are listed as Mazza and Fazza. I got the nickname organically because I inadvertently gave it to myself by giving a nickname to my wife. I don’t know how long it will stick though it’s so cute I wouldn’t mind if Hitch called me “fazza” forever.
The other nickname came from a former cleaning lady. When we met, I introduced myself as Josh. When we had a change of plans, I texted her saying, “Hey, this is Josh.” My wife would say, “I won’t be home to let you in but Josh will.” She knows what my name is. We gave her a generous bonus for Christmas and she gave us a very nice card where she addressed me as Mister Job. It tickled me so much that I told my wife. They called her “Misses Yuly” even though she’s married and no one has ever seen that name in my family. I will sometimes call her that but her nickname has been “boss” since we saw the movie Babe when we were first dating. Yes, boss. Right away, boss. I’ll make sure your name never appears in the zine again, boss. Now my wife only calls me Mister Job, or sometimes just Job and I love it. You have to call me Jøsh because I am not your fazza and you are not mopping my floor.