Poe-Naw-Grah-Fee

What’s the difference between Screw and the NY Press? Screw costs money and it doesn’t think it’s important. There may be some men out there who for one reason or another claim that they don’t own or enjoy any porn, but I really don’t give a shit about those liars. Every single man in the non-Muslim world owns pornography of some form or another and I would even say that more men than you would imagine have ridiculous collections. I know there are so many men who have to lie and hide their porn, and I feel your pain. I figured out a good way to hide porno when I was in college—I label it as something that no one I know likes or would want to watch. When I was in college I would label my porn as “Darkroom Techniques Demonstration” or something boring. When I had roommates after college I would label stuff as “The Prisoner: Schizoid Man” which I knew my roommates would hate. After I met my wife I started using Mystery Science Theater 3000 as a convenient decoy. I have always been too honest with my wife and I’ve convinced her that I’m right about men and their primal need for porn. No one wants to think of their dads owning porn, but some of the first porn I ever saw was in my grandfather’s attic when I was nine. Juli asked me if it was because we’re straight and I said that gay guys are even more into porno! Good for them, good for everybody. Jerking off doesn’t hurt anyone but religious people and who gives a fuck about those flaming douchebags?

Web Bonus Info:

The title comes from a Bill Hicks rant about Jesse Helms and pornography. The gist of it is that porn is defined as anything that causes sexual thought and has no redeeming artistic value, which Bill suggests describes most television advertising. As always, Bill Hicks was right. Here's a clip of Bill discussing it.

This is his more developed rant about it but explains it much better. Please enjoy the humor of Bill Hicks.