My Wife’s Mini-Rant™

My wife has been ranting at me since long before I started working on the zine. That's what you do for your spouse, you let them rant and try to make the best of it. I am no longer allowed to use her name so she will be forever known as my wife, unless she leaves me, then I can use her name and I'll call her my ex-wife. She knows I’m kidding, she often jokes with me that neither one of us is getting out of this marriage alive. She is convinced I'll go first because I'm five years older than she is but she gets stressed out and I'm super mellow since retiring from wave-slaving. Anyway, the premise is that my wife gets mad, she yells some random shit at me and if I can get permission, I publish her rants in the zine. You get to read them without all the yelling. You should hear them in your head like she is yelling, otherwise she wasted all that effort.

“Any guy who says ‘phony baloney’ [in bed] is kicked right out of bed. That is sooo not sexy.”
 
While browsing the information for an upcoming episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live, my wife saw that the credits said, “Guests include pugilist Mike Tyson.” My wife asked, ‘What is a pug-a-list?” I said, “It’s pronounced pyooj-uh-list and it means 'fighter' or ‘boxer.’” My wife said, “That’s a stupid word to use. Nobody knows what that is. People who watch Jimmy Kimmel definitely don’t know what that is. Mike Tyson doesn’t even know what that is. If I don’t know what that is, there is no way Tyson knows. Why don’t they just say ‘boxer’? Assholes!”
 
“I don’t know who I would rather be trapped on a train with, the Jerky Boys or the Insane Clown Posse.” [Honestly, the Jerky Boys seem like pretty normal guys while ICP seem like the kind of guys who are destined to die in jail.]
 
"If I had a band, they would be called [My Wife’s Name] & the Cock Vomits with the Rocket and the Big T.” [Note: Our friend Natasha is called “The Rocket" sometimes and I used to have the nickname "Big T." I think cock vomit in this context means semen but I was afraid to ask for clarification. Maybe it's when you vomit from a cock in your mouth? You ask her.]
 
When hearing that Kiefer Sutherland’s favorite word is “Latin—gravitas” and his least favorite word is “nigger” My wife screamed, “My favorite word is asshole, so fuck you. I love calling women ‘assholes.’”
 
My wife on religion, “So basically the Catholic Church is about corpse worship and Judaism is about how people always oppressed the Jews? Who was it, the Pharaohs? (in a mocking voice) O, Woe is me!”
 
My wife, talking about her relationships at work, “[My boss] Brian is always telling me, ‘Take this one, that one, under your wing.’ You know what? My wings are full. I don’t have the energy. I’ve got my peeps, I’ve developed them. They do what I say.”
 
In response to a letter written to Savage Love (a sex advice column) by a woman who said that she had herpes, but still wanted to get oral sex. Her boyfriend wouldn’t go down on her and she was asking if she was doomed to never have oral sex again. My wife said, “I wouldn’t eat your herpetic pussy either. [In a mocking voice] ‘What are you supposed to do if you have herpes? Never get oral sex again?’ No, you go find somebody new and have him eat your pussy when you don’t have an outbreak if you believe that you’re not contagious. Problem solved. I’m a problem solver. You really think a dental dam will protect you? I’m not putting my mouth down there!”