My Sincerest Apologies
These are few and far between so they are meaningful.To Sarah, my summer camp/high school/college girlfriend. I am deeply sorry that I published a story I wrote in grad school about her. It was unkind of me to write anything from her perspective and I should have used a pseudonym. I won’t justify any of it, it was an asshole move. I was an asshole, I see that now, I took the story down many years ago and it will never see the light of day again. It wasn’t that good, honestly, but that doesn’t mitigate the fact that my words hurt her when she didn’t deserve that.
Scott, a friend from middle school. I am sorry that I can’t be the kind of friend you need. I don’t have a bad word to say about you, I wish you the best and I have no intention of ghosting you or denigrating you because I genuinely think you are a good person. I think we both know that we are not the same people we were at fourteen and that’s normal and fine. I am doing well, you are doing well, it’s all good.
You, my reader. I was rude, condescending, contradictory and just a generally insufferable asshole. I thought I was making up for it by being nice in other ways but that in no way justifies the stream of insults and invective that I have hurled at you, the one person who actually read my zine. I give my zine to almost everyone I meet and I’m rounding down to estimate that 99% of them have never read more than the cover. Maybe they didn’t throw it straight into the recycling but they definitely didn’t take the time to do the one thing that I want people to do in my life. So what I do to those people? I shit on them endlessly, call their mom a slut and actively express my own narcissism and cruelty on the very small cult that I call my readership. Seriously. I am sorry. I am not saying I won’t do it again but I am truly sorry.
Christine Baranski. My wife probably would be happy to see this because she thinks my loathing of Ms. Baranski is completely unjustified and maybe it is. Maybe there was one time I saw her say one thing and I made a snap judgement full of hate and bile and turned that into comedy with hyperbole. She may very well be a sweetheart in real life and she has had a long and successful career on television which is no small feat. I know she will never see this but I don’t care if no one on this list sees any of it, I wanted to write it and I wanted to say that I was sorry.
Jeff Kay of the zine West Virginia Surf Report. Dan Halligan of the zine Ten Things Jesus Wants You to Know. Scott Huffines, former owner of Atomic Books in Baltimore. In previous issues I lambasted these guys for being insincere, lying scumbags and I never got an apology. Instead, they all had a good laugh mocking me for taking them at their word. In trying to find something to be sorry about I am coming up empty. You guys know what you did, you know you were dicks and if anything, I am the one owed an apology. I won’t ask for one but I am not giving one, either. Fuck all three of you. I don’t believe in grudges yet I will carry this one to my grave, for the lulz.
The Junkie. I am sorry I didn’t try harder to stop you from becoming a junkie. I am sorry that I took glee in kicking you when you were down and always punched down on you. That wasn’t cool and it wasn’t necessary. You were a good friend to me for a long time and I know I could’ve tried harder to stop you or help you or do something besides let go of you when you were drowning. I didn’t want to drown myself and I put self-preservation at the top of my life’s priorities.
John Dickstein. I am sorry that I used your mental illness for my entertainment. I exploited your desire to see your words in print to get you to admit to stuff that you may not have wanted to see in print. I am only allowed to overshare from myself, not on anyone else’s behalf. I was always honest with you but rarely nice about it. Sure, you did some really dickish things to me, too. I think maybe I was a little rough with you and you were rough with me. There was a time when I took pride in being able to break people or intimidate them. It’s not something to be proud of so I am not proud anymore. I am sorry. Really, John, I am sorry. You still are not welcome within a mile of my family and if you were to threaten me in any way I would not hesitate to end you. It’s time to put the past behind us and move on.
All the spiders I’ve killed. I really do love spiders yet I kill them when they come near me or my family. Without a second thought I will crush them and throw their corpse in the toilet. All they are trying to do is eat the other bugs that I definitely don’t want to see and they stay in the corner where it’s dark so they don’t freak me out. I am sorry I killed so many of you. Even if I spared 90% of you, that’s not 100%.
Old Jøsh. I did a lot to make sure that this body we share was in proper working order. My hope is that something random and unrelated to lifestyle choices does him in so people don’t blame me when I get some cancer from weed pesticides. The best anyone can hope for a peaceful death surrounded by loved ones, like the end of Interstellar.